All posts tagged Scarlett Herzele


This little tale is by rosecatt. Thanks, m’Dear.

When a wild giraffe gets a sore throat (which is very serious, as you can imagine) he goes instinctively to a special ‘short tree’ area of the savannah where he can munch leaves at an easier level and hang with other sick giraffes while they all recover together.

When Steven Spielberg heard about this he thought ‘What a swell movie that would make.’ So he went to Africa and spent millions in … Read the rest...

The Bear

Pun Mistress Ms.Scarlett is back with this original.

George and Paul were walking through the woods, one day, discussing poker games they had played against gambling members of the bear family. Paul was famous for stand-offs against black bears at 5 card stud. George was famous for games of black jack he’d played against brown bears. Neither of them could claim sovereignty in poker over the great grizzly. Finally, George decided that the only way he could win was to … Read the rest...

Be Very, Very Careful

Ms. Scarlett sent me this old tale. The author is not known.

One day, in a Mental Institution, Jim was walking past the hospital swimming pool with Mary. Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end of the pool. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to … Read the rest...

Interlude at NYPD Blue

This is by my Pun Mistress, Ms. Scarlett Herzele.

A. Rodriguez, the new Lt. on NYPD Blue, was engaged in a contest with Juan Diego, in which the objective was to toss pennies into a glass jar. A. was way ahead and had tossed many more pennies into the jar than his opponent, when, suddenly, another actor came running into the room and tripped on the glass jar, scattering pennies and glass shards everywhere.

But, what actually ended the game?… Read the rest...

Workers at the Mint

From Ms. Scarlett Herzele

Ms. Scarlett tells me the workers at the Federal Mint are about to go on strike. They want to make less money.… Read the rest...

Aggie Inventiveness

I have Ms. Scarlett who has T.J. to thank for this tale. Don’t blame me, “Some of my best friends are Aggies.”

A scientist from Texas A&M University recently invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At the news conference in College Station announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a group of cowboys who proceeded to kick the living shit out … Read the rest...


This came from TJ McFarland via Ms. Scarlett Herzele. I think it is a very old story. The author is unknown.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon, the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who … Read the rest...

Adult Limerick Exchange

Ms Scarlett Said:

My limericks are lacking oration.
My poetry lacks inspiration,
But, bearing in mind
A donkey’s behind,
Remember my old dissertation.

I replied:

Your tale of a donkey’s behind
Brings indelible image to mind.
This can’t be repaired —
It’s clearly ass^2
In our poesy mucho maligned.

Then the talented Ms Scarlett wrote:

There once was a Combs named Alan B.
Who wished to go down in infamy,
For the silliest pun.
(Ain’t we got fun?)
He hoped … Read the rest...

As Ye Sew, So Shall Ye Reap

By Charlotte Herzele and Alan B. Combs. This evil little tale was our submission to this year’s (2002) Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest. It did not win anything, so it was either too-badly good, or too-goodly bad — or something like that. We liked it a lot.

Perhaps the attendees would have had an inkling of their impending doom if they had only listened carefully to themselves as they cheered for Dominique and Maura Harris, their favorite participants in the Team-Stitchery … Read the rest...

The Gunslinger

This lovely variant on a Western theme is by Scarlett Herzele. The comment is by Chris Cole

There was a no good, very bad, terrible, nasty, mean cowboy criminal who, because of his terrible behaviour became known simply as the “Malady”. He was truly an affliction to every community. No one could lay a hand on him until one day an upstart young gunslinger named “Shooter” challenged him to a gunfight at the Not Quite OK Corral. Malady drew. Shooter … Read the rest...

Anna Hortic

This is by Charlotte Herzele” [], a source of endless puns and friendship. Any changes from the original should be blamed on me.

In the Great Battle, Star Commander Nextal’s clever assistant was a woman. In typical Chauvinistic fashion, we at first were told neither that she was a woman, nor that her name was Anna Hortic.

Among the planets served by Starfleet, any clever war or battle negotiation became known as a “combatism” or “ism”, a kind of school … Read the rest...

Raising Caine in the Schoolyard

This is by Charlotte Herzele []. Bravo.

A gang of micelets are playing in the school yard. They are choosing up sides to play kickball. One mousie never gets chosen. I mean, he never gets picked. Of course, the teacher notices. She observes but she can’t put her finger on the problem. She finally decides to intervene. She demands to know why he never gets chosen (to play in any reindeer games).

The mice are reluctant, but finally one speaks … Read the rest...

Promises to Keep

This is from Charlotte Herzele. Thanks.

This is about a certain magic garden, far away, where the flowers tend themselves. Weeds literally leap out of the garden if they perceive a frown on the gardeners’ faces. If you don’t believe me, go see for yourself: Smiles do go before weeds leap.… Read the rest...

My Favorite Subject

This is by Charlotte Herzele. Very nice variant of one of her earlier ones.

Alfred Lord Tennyson was an avid soccer player. When the first world championship soccer matches were played between Argentina and Britain, dear Alfred was right in the fray. Juan Valdez, on leave from his coffee duties, dribbled the ball more successfully than any other player on the team. The captain of the Brits, charged Alfie with incapacitating Sr. Valdez. Whenever Alfie showed any reluctance, the captain … Read the rest...

A Shaggy Tale of Two Cities

By Alan B. Combs with advice and consent from Pun Mistress, Ms. Scarlett O’Herzele.

One might expect that cities that are geographically close to one another would be either very friendly and cooperative, or very hostile and competitive. For the two French Canadian Cities Gayle and Geaux, it was the latter. Now you purists might claim these cities don’t exist. Reading between the lines, however, and for the sake of this tale, they do, they do. Just take my word … Read the rest...

The Radio

Charlotte sent me this tear jerker. It is, perhaps, very typical of those uplifting stories we get off the internet these days.

A very heartwarming story for the New Year……

Here’s a nice story I thought would touch your heart. Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all … Read the rest...

Tennis, anyone, Alfred, Lord?

This comes from the impatiently beautiful Scarlett, or the beautifully impatient Scarlett. At least one of those, anyway.

You may not know this, but Fidel Castro was a great fan of the sport of tennis. In fact, he once arranged an exhibition match featuring the famous Bjorn Borg, of Sweden and Johnny Mac. Of course, he, himself wanted to play against the famous Borg. Fidel had not been on the courts for awhile, so for about a month before the … Read the rest...

Feghoot Undune Again

In response to a recent posting about Ferdinand Feghoot on Dune, Pun Mistress Scarlett Herzele immediately wrote the following. I am getting so jealous.

Ferdinand Feghoot, having swayed the wise man, with his wit (probably more like, slayed) ventured further into the desert. Large sand worms, notwithstanding, he persevered, seeking wisdom from the lost knight of the Round Table. He was not yet through with history. The War of the Roses did not sit quite right with him. He finally … Read the rest...

Poll Antics

Pun by Scarlett Herzele

Ms. Scarlett and I may differ on who might make the better president (or the least worst president), but I must confess that she is a master pun maker. After exchanging certain of the funnies going around about the ones we don’t like so much, she said, “Yes, well, it’s punny…when poll antics make strained Feds bellow.”… Read the rest...

How To Write Puns, Part II

Last week, I sent out Hymie Koshevoy’s gentle work which concluded, “Thus there will be: … Foam on the range where the beer and the cantaloupe stay….”

Pun Mistress, Scarlett Herzele, claiming that this work seduced her away from her more appropriate academic pursuits, sent me the following.

When I tried this exercise [writing puns], I had it all typed out and saved on a diskette. A grackle flew down and let loose on my diskette, corroded it and I … Read the rest...

Backing into Beauty

This story was sent to me by Charlotte Herzele.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that … Read the rest...

No Bicycles Aloud

This is the creation of Scarlet Herzele, Pun Mistress extraordinaire.

Gloria Steinem spilled cake frosting all over herself right before she began the golf game I had paid her to play in.

I had to shout, “Gummy libber! Tee or gimme debt!”… Read the rest...

Russian to Judgment

This is an original groaner by Gary Hallock who does these things too infrequently.

The new Russian president, Vladimir Putin, was moving into his new office and being briefed by his secretary on all the modern conveniences that had been added during the remodeling.

“We’ve removed the mini-bar that Boris installed and replaced it with a kitchenette with a microwave. We have also upgraded to the latest in computers and high tech communications equipment so you’ll always be up to … Read the rest...

Indecision Redux

This is by Scarlett Herzele, former student, current colleague, always Pun Mistress.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which one to wed (alliteration for the sake of alliteration is alliteration all the…). He asked his best friend, a young man who, it just so happened, had been in the same situation, but, had found resolution. (You can see she has taken my commantery to heart — ABC.)

He said, “You can handle it … Read the rest...


This is by Lowrie Beacham who says, “I will regale you with another true tale–though I will understand if you do not believe…”

My wife’s employer held a dinner for the staff, and included spouses. The first course was calimari. All dug in, but we noticed that David Crowe (the bookkeeper) was not yet present. It was suggested that part of the calimari be set aside for David, which a nameless guest did, remarking, “This is squid pro Crowe!”

Ms. … Read the rest...