This is a lovely old tale. Debby Neece sent me this version. Thanks.
A man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-talking-dog/
This was published on the groaners listserv. The author is unknown.
A man who despised his city’s Building Department decided to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn’t out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house. As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/roof-repair/
This is by Cynthia MacGregor who sent it to the PUNY listserv.
We’ve had some unusual politicians in our nation’s history. People looked askance when Jesse Ventura was elected, but that’s only because no one remembers a certain elected official of years ago.
This office-holder favored a certain soft drink and drank it to the exclusion of all else…to the extent that he eventually became called after this beverage. That wasn’t his most unusual quirk, though! Although the official was … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-politician-2/
By Alan B. Combs
These final weeks of the political campaign are getting me down. What everyone seems to miss is the point that with freedom comes an equally weighty obligation toward responsibility. I have decided that we have too many freedoms. When I am elected, I will work to do away with the following (as a minimal list):
— Telling lies in commercials, political or otherwise
— Movies where self-mutilation because of stupidity seems to be the point
— … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/my-political-platform/
Lowrie Beacham was the first to forward this rude little warning to me.
SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA (AP February 11) – The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and the governors now have the sad task of reporting the emergence of a new ethnic … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/southern-terrorist-advisory/
By Alan B. Combs upon the resignation of a certain individual as Senate Majority Leader. This was posted to the limericks_n_haiku listserv.
The kettle talks black to the pot.
The bastards give all that they’ve got.
Old Thomas Daschle?
Humongous hassle,
But, for step-down, I say, “Thanks a Lott.”… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-clear-moment-for-thanks/
With apologies to Abbot & Costello, Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this the other day after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. This one is bouncing all over the internet and even in the local newspaper here in Austin.
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/abbott-and-costello-in-beijing/
This was posted on alt.humor.puns by Perfect Tommy. The author is unknown.
Karl Marx was in Montmartre visiting Henri de Toulouse Lautrec. They were out riding in a carriage, and Lautrec saw some peasants working in a field and wanted to paint them. However, they were wearing dirty old dungarees, and he wanted to know if they had something more colorful to wear. Lautrec had difficulty walking because of childhood injuries, so Marx volunteered to go out to the field … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/marx-in-france/
The endlessly inventive Tiff Wimberly posted this timely note on PUNY.
A document that is 11,807 pages long has been delivered to the UN containing information regarding the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction program or lack thereof. Surely, our president who is contemplating war will receive some sort of condensed report of this document so he can decide what to do next. He will probably get the Leader’s Digest version.… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cliff-notes-anyone/
The author of this rude little tale is unknown.
A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself “How am I going to her that she has crabs?”
After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-visit-to-the-doctor/
This tale is by Stan Kegel.
The Los Angeles Airport Commission has finally released the plans for the expansion of Los Angeles International Airport which when built will be able to accommodate twice the number of international flights that now come into LAX.
The plans have passed all necessary environmental impact studies and construction appears to depend on obtaining adequate funding. A $1,200,000,000 Airport Bond measure will have to be passed by Los Angeles County voters for construction to occur.… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-new-airport/
This is by Stan Kegel, based on a pun by Richard Lederer. What a pair of punsters that is.
There was concern in the House of Lords when John Greenleaf announced his marriage to May Dolittle. After all, he was the Duke of Somerset, the current peer from a long family of dukes, and she was not only a commoner, but had been a London cabaret entertainer, whose humor tended to be somewhat, shall we say, risque. But they were … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/nobility/
This is a Bob Levi original.
Did you hear how the Republic of Seychelles got its independence?
In case you don’t know, Seychelles is a group of about 100 islands located in the Indian Ocean to the northeast of Madagascar. Until 1976, these islands were a British colony. Many of the 80,000 inhabitants are of Asian decent, particularly Chinese. As a matter of fact, the ranking outgoing British official at the time was a gentleman of Chinese heritage by the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/seychelles-independence/
This was posted on the Wall Street Journal’s email Opinion Journal – Best of the Web Today. I thank Todd Ryan for adding it to the collection.
The “debt clock” is back. The late New York developer Seymour Durst erected the clock — actually a billboard — in midtown Manhattan in 1989 to track the total level of federal debt as well as “your family’s share.” It went dark in 2000, as the debt was decreasing, but the recent deficits … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/new-york-citys-debt-clock/
THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION brings you, FOR A MEDIA RELIEF (As in press and release) the
The Ten Best?Stressed Puns of 2002 which have just been announced by Norman Gilbert, the Chairman of the Bored of this the world’s largest apocryphal society. So many entries were nominated this, the twentieth year of selection, that they had to be stored in two bins; The “MIGHT HAVE BIN” and the “HAS BIN.”
We saw the Eiffel Tower flying from Paris … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-ten-best-stressed-puns-of-2002/
My dear old friend Mel Lett has good sources. Most of his material is new to me – for example this tale whose author is unknown.
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed. A famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-hypnotist/
The International Save the Pun Foundation Press and release
To be communicated on January I’t 2002. For more information email us atpunpunpun @ rogers.com or visit us at www.punpunpun.com on the Internet.
We continue our work to overcome ill literacy. We are delighted by the growing worldwide support for the efforts made by the members of The International Save the Pun Foundation, the world’s largest and fastest growing apocryphal society, to increase the interest in reading by spreading the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-ten-best-stressed-puns-of-2001/
Another lame offering by Alan B. Combs
The Russian premier is visiting with our President this week. They have been showing him the country pleasures of Crawford, TX, and the undeniable excellence of Texas cuisine.
While developing the food menu, however, the planners were a little worried about whether they should serve Ranch Style (boracho) beans at the meal. After all, he was already Putin.… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ranch-style-beans/
This is by Ted Brett.
A small country in central Africa depended on hunting safaris for its livelihood. The country grew very rich as Americans and Europeans came to the country, and they paid princely fees to hunt in the game-rich country.
However, a new king decided that hunting was a cruel sport, and he immediately outlawed hunting in all forms. The absence of rich hunters from America and Europe began to plague the country in many ways: no money … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/african-violence/
This story is by Harry Farkas.
Shirley Temple Black is back in the public eye with a new biographical movie on television. There is a little-known story the movie won’t be covering.
In 1974 Shirley Temple Black was appointed U.S. Ambassador to Ghana. To celebrate, gala parties were planned at both the Swiss and British embassies. Ambassador Black’s assistants made plans for her to attend both fetes, but the Ambassador made it clear she wanted no part of a two … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shirley-temple-black/
By Chris Cole, this is a variant on a traditional punchline.
Bobi Kerpacek used to be a solid, loyal member of the Communist Party when he was part of the government bureaucracy in Czechoslovakia. After the recent falling out of favor of the communists, Bobi, ever quick to catch the latest political winds, changed his party affiliation to the more popular National Democratic Freedom Party. Unfortunately, he underestimated the fickleness of his circle of former friends. When Bobi asked why … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/dont-bank-on-it/
By Alan B. Combs
The reactors for the South Texas Nuclear Project went online in 1988 and 1989 in Matagorda County near Houston. Having gone through the seemingly mandatory processes of construction cost overruns, operator malfeasance, and subsequent lawsuits, this project one day may be able to help in our country’s energy crisis. Perhaps.
However, this tale is more about the political problems involved in creating a nuke in the first place. The first question one asks is, “Where shall … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-texas-history/
By Clynch Varnadore and Gary Hallock, via PUNY
There was a sale on bras. I misunderstood when my wife said the bras at the mall were all 75% off. I was ready to GO!
You might think 75% off is a good deal, but the state and local governments get a big cut when you buy more than one of the soft padded type. This is where we get the expression “Getting two downy bra’s tax.”… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-bra-sale/
Continuing the saga written by Paul de Anguera.
Now that Captain Quid had established his credentials with the Brotherhood’s emissaries, the First Mate wondered what use they would make of the frigate H.M.S. Legume in their conspiracy to dethrone Peter the Great. Disrupt commerce? Smuggle muskets? But what the Brotherhood proposed was beyond belief; to sail to Moscow, and there to open fire on the Tsar’s palace — just in case their concealment of the planet Mars was not enough … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-tall-ship-tale-no-4-up-up-and-a-weigh/
This is from Jelcy [jelcy@eclipse.sigint.com].
Nero was talking to his financial advisors in a Roman amphitheater. “Why aren’t we making any money from this building?” he asked.
An advisor replied, “Because the lions are eating up all the prophets.”… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-bottom-lion/