This listing is from Mitch Friedman, and for which we thank him. (I was tempted, but I think “thinkers” is better than “nerds”.)
1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/equivalents-for-all-you-thinkers/
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shoes-for-that-special-evening-on-an-italian-cruise/
Mitch Friedman sent this to me. For reasons that are not entirely clear, he said this is my kind of material.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-recent-lamented-demise/
This is from Lowrie. I endorse the concept, but I’ll bet his wife doesn’t know he is sending such things.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”
The girl said, “No.”
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing a lot.
Mitch Friedman indicates that the above fairy tale correlates well with the following story.
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/worlds-shortest-fairy-tale/
By Ms. Charlotte Herzele and Alan B. Combs. This effort arose as a result of one of those altogether too rare face-to-face meetings we had a couple of weeks ago.
One of the abuses society inflicts upon its companion animals is a failure to have these animals neutered. One suggested explanation is the psychological phenomenon of transference. “I wouldn’t like to have THAT done to me, so I just won’t do it to my animals.”
We thought it might be … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/canine-consorts/
Sometimes the simplest remedies are the best. Pharmacy Bro Charlie Pfister sent this educational reminder. I have known some of these for a long time and some are new to me.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be removed almost instantly.
2. Clumsy by nature? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/simple-home-remedies/
Mitch Friedman sent this to us.
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-dear-abby-question/
I received this from Mitch Friedman.
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don’t really understand The New York … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/newspapers/
This very modern tale was sent to me by Mitch Friedman. The author is not known.
A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.
The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor,” says the voice on the phone. “We … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/modern-treatment/
Mitch Friedman sent us this particular very shaggy tale. The author is unknown.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:” Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/elderly-marriage/
Mitch Friedman sent this highly credible tale sometime back. It does seem that those who know-it-all haven’t changed very much.
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the USFS were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seemed that,after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-sheep-tale-2/
I received this from Mitch Friedman. The original author is not known.
A man goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
“What the heck are you?” asked the host.
“I’m a snail,” said the guy.
“But… you have a girl on your back,” replied the host.
“Yeah,” he said, “that’s Michelle!”… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-costume-party/
Mitch Friedman sent me this. I haven’t had a funny rude one for a while.
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex! Supersex!” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her and finally answered, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/hard-choice/
A lovely old groaner from Mitch Friedman
Once upon a time, two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she’s been married, and the reply was four. “Four times!” exclaimed the first woman, why so many?
The other woman said: “Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/four-marriages/
This was sent to me by Mitch Friedman.
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back..”
“Where are you going, Coochy Coo…?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife says to him, “You want a beer, my … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/out-for-a-beer/
Mitch Friedman sent us this. Alice Collins also sent me a very similar version.
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.
“Yes,” … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/an-elephant-never/
I received this from Mitch Friedman. I learned it as a child.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! It smells like maple syrup to me!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! It smells like honey to me!”
The baby mole tries … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/moles-at-the-i-hop/
Mitch Friedman is responsible for sending me this gem.
A young man fell in love with a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/love-potion-no-nine/
I don’t know the author of this, but thanks to Mitch Friedman for sending it to me.
The budding director was sitting alongside the veteran as he was auditioning promising young performers for an upcoming variety show. The young learner was amazed at how many different ways this old timer could terminate a performance!
There was the chop across the throat, the upraised face and hands, and many, many more! When the young man commented on it after the auditions, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/alternatives/
I love this very evil, politically incorrect story which I owe to Mitch Friedman.
Fellow checks into a Vegas hotel. Bellman hands him his key, and he gives the bellman a big tip and says, “Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes, and send them up to the room?”
Bellman, says, “Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir.”
Guy says, “Now, they HAVE to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And, send lots of them.”
“Yessir”.
Little later, girls start appearing at … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/las-vegas-ethnic/
