All posts tagged Mel Lett

Redneck Newlyweds

I have a large stash of these from the beloved Mel Lett. I will publish them slowly over time.

A week after their marriage, the redneck went to the doctor’s office.

“You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc,” said the husband. “My whacker’s turnin’ blue.”

“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck’s really is blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed … Read the rest...

Santa’s Stressful Christmas

Mel Lett sent me this tale a few years back. I have a file of stuff he sent me that will keep on giving for a long time.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being … Read the rest...

The Wise Bride

Another one told me by Mel Lett. Way back when.

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, and such.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very … Read the rest...

The Bad Brother

A few years ago, Mel Lett reminded me of this ancient, venerable tale. In a flash, it came to me — I think I first heard this story from him in high school. Yeah, that makes it at least fifty years old. “Nothing new under the sun”, the prophet says. . .

The bad brother died. He was missed by his good brother, since he loved him despite his evil ways. Many years later, the good brother also died and … Read the rest...

Math Lesson II

As is the case with Math Lesson I, this came from Mel Lett. The author is not known.

A wife came home one day to find a letter saying the following:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly

Read the rest...

An Effective Weight Loss Program

This tale has been bouncing on the internet for several years. Oh yes, it is rude, crude, unrefined, and funny. It was originally sent to me by Mel Lett.

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed. Yeah, right!” he thought to himself. But … Read the rest...


This was forwarded by Mel Lett.

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain’t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids..I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, “What you been eatin’, boy?”

“Lawyers, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ’em?”

“Down at … Read the rest...

The Young Woman from Cheboygan

This was from the late and greatly missed Mel Lett.

A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, … Read the rest...

The Travels of the One Dollar Bill

Included in my collection of unposted stoies is this tale of human nature from the late Mel Lett.

A torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.

The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. Life has been good,” the fifty … Read the rest...

The Hardware Store

From the late, beloved Mel Lett. I am slowly moving his better material to this site.

This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store……….

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store to get one. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on the top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob the manager to … Read the rest...

The Horse Auction

This shaggy tale was sent to me by Mel Lett. It is a very old tale, I do believe.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as His father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and … Read the rest...

Bubba and the Gorilla Problem

This much-traveled tale came from Mel Lett. Endless variants exist.

A small East Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a Bubba-esque part-time worker, who was responsible … Read the rest...

Reagan’s Last Words

This is from Mel Lett.

I don’t know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan a couple of years back, but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hilary were both dozing off.

President Reagan, who never missed chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said…

“I see the Clinton’s are finally sleeping together.”… Read the rest...

My Daughter’s 18th Birthday

From Mel Lett.

I’m so glad that this is my last damn child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those damn payments!

So, I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, “Baby Girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother’s house and tell her that this is the last damn check she’s ever going to get from me, and I want … Read the rest...

California — 156 Years Ago

Mel Lett, with whom I was privileged to attend High School in California, is a continuing source of these historical gems.

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn’t hold hands.… Read the rest...

A Daughter’s Prayers

Mel Lett sent us this venerable, evil, lovely little tale.

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying, “God Bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, an’ good-bye Grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?”

The little girl said: “I don’t know, Daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day, Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, … Read the rest...

A Call from the Caretaker

This was sent by Mel Lett.

The transcript from a phone call from Ernesto the caretaker:

“Hello, Señor Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor, that your dog died.

“My dog? Dead? The one that won the International Competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that … Read the rest...

Medical Advice for the Older Man

Mell Lett sent us this tale of warning. The author is not known.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, … Read the rest...

The Gold Toilet

This tale of the peaceful transition of power came from Mel Lett.

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that president Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just … Read the rest...

Blonde Revenge

This is from Mel Lett. I dedicate it to three certain sisters who have been suffering from the blonde affliction all these years.

Well, folks, it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:

A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

Brown-bagging it.


Read the rest...

Jet Fuel

This tale came from Mel Lett. As a toxicologist, I cannot recommend this.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So, they pour … Read the rest...

Redneck Gas Station

Another old classic from Mel Lett

A gas station in Mississippi (could be WV) was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You … Read the rest...

Big City Cop

This, as many have, came from Mel Lett. Thanks.

A big city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

“Nice bike,” the cop said “did Santa bring it to you?” “Yep,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a … Read the rest...

The Half-Wit

This tale of rural wisdom is from Mel Lett.

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free … Read the rest...

The Ages of Women

From Mel Lett

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her

Read the rest...