All posts tagged Medical

February 3, 2023 Pun of the Day

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January 28, 2023 Pun of the Day

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January 9, 2023 Pun of the Day

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January 4, 2023 Pun of the Day

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I stole a kilt and had to plaid guilty…

This one was submitted by Mike Franklin.


This princely story made I laaaff it did. I wouldne to rob ye of such pleasure….

Prince Charles is making a hospital visit in Scotland and goes into a ward and asks the patients how they are.

The first one replies:

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin’-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang’s my

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Difficult to Rectify

A submission from Dean Day. The original source is unknown (by me).


Two doctors (in the financial district) go to have lunch. When they are finished, one of them offers to pick up the tab, reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a thermometer. “aw, shucks,” he says, “some investment banker must have run off with my pen”.… Read the rest...

Star Wars Derived?

It was a hot summer’s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the “Fourth of July.” He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie’s cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and … Read the rest...

A Man with OCD Walks Repeatedly Into a Bar…

The prolific Dave Wallace sent this one in.


Whilst having a medical history taken to address my SOBOE (Shortness Of Breath On Exertion) issues, the following (slightly embellished) conversation occurred.

Doctor: What are your limits on exertion?
Me: I can climb half-way up the back stairs, then need a rest.
Doctor: How many steps?
Me: 12… every time.
Doctor: You have OCD! (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Me: No, it’s CDO – the letters gotta be in alphabetical order.
Doctor: Isn’t there … Read the rest...

Religious Fundamentalists

A friend of mine is very inclined to religious fundamentalism. Among other groups, he has been studying the Quakers, the Mennonites, and the Amish. He just cannot decide whom to join, and this has become a source of great confusion and anguish to him. Hypertension and cardiac symptoms have resulted. Finally, he heard some very helpful advice in a TV advertisement – “Ask your doctor if your heart is strong enough for sects.”… Read the rest...

About Belief Systems

In a spirit of adventure, I have been looking into various current Christian belief systems. These include the Catholics, Lutherans, Anglicans, Methodists, Baptists, Presbyterians, and Pentecostals, among others.

Suddenly, it came to me that I should visit the doctor to ask if my heart is strong enough for sects.… Read the rest...

Don’t Blow This One…

This blink-and-you-miss-it pun was submitted by Denny Adams.


A woman went to her optometrist for an exam. The Dr turned the exam chart on the wall and asked her to read it. she replied that she couldn’t see anything. He increased the size to 6″ and asked her to try again. Still nothing.

So he enlarged it again to a foot. Still cant see it. out of frustration he pulled out his manhood, and asked if she could see it. … Read the rest...

Ducktor Who?

This was found by my dear aunt on Facebook. It’s creator is unknown.


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” … Read the rest...

Bikers

Some random thoughts by Alan B. Combs.


Realizing it is one of the really dangerous things one can do, I still have always liked motorcycles. Back when I was young and slightly more in my prime, I rode a twin-cylinder Honda. My rule was that I would never ride a bike larger than I could upright if it ever fell over. For various reasons, I have walked away from the beasts, but I still love ‘em.

Next, you should understand … Read the rest...

A Ham Fisted Pun

Joe Blake submitted this Christmas story.


A farmer walked into his local doctor’s surgery to seek treatment for some rather nasty gashes around his legs. The doctor asked the man what had happened.

“Well, doc,” he says, “Christmas is coming up, and a few months ago my wife and I selected a piglet for us to fatten up for Christmas dinner, and I’ve been given that young fellow special rations to get him into proper shape, and I was just … Read the rest...

Golf is Good for Italian Men

From Brother Tom Vickery.


An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”

“Well”, … Read the rest...

New Quickies

Here’s a new list of short ones making the rounds. Thanks to Don Drinnon.


I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. Yep – it’s syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. BUT, He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This … Read the rest...

Testicular Pain

Another of those “Abuse them Texans” stories.


The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn … Read the rest...

Suicidal Blonde

Oh, golly! Bill Pardue sent me a potfull of jokes of this genus. Thanks, Bill.


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my … Read the rest...

Redneck Newlyweds

I have a large stash of these from the beloved Mel Lett. I will publish them slowly over time.


A week after their marriage, the redneck went to the doctor’s office.

“You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc,” said the husband. “My whacker’s turnin’ blue.”

“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck’s really is blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed … Read the rest...

What Was That Word?

This was forwarded by Bro. Tom Vickery. It is not too new, but certainly deserves to be added to the collection. Thanks, Tom.


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if … Read the rest...

Surgeons at a Convention

This is was posted by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoogroups.com. Somehow it never seems to get old.


Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes.

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”

The third, a California surgeon, says: “No, … Read the rest...

Alzheimer’s Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words? 1. F_ _K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. _ _NDOM ... Read the rest...

Pizza Delivery

This was posted on the groaners listserv.


FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI … Read the rest...

Grandma and the Lottery

This was posted on BWJokes2.


Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won $1,000,000 in the lottery. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

“I think we’d better call in the doctor to tell her the news,” suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

“Now, you don’t have to worry about … Read the rest...

Lip Service

*From Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer’s recent book.


A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character, and presentation, was suffering from an illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a medication prescribed by her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications … Read the rest...