All posts tagged Lowrie Beacham

For Those Needing Biblical Interpretation of Current Events

Forwarded to us by Lowrie.

For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed two laws about gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.

Read the rest...

Wisdom for the New Year

This one was sent in by Lowrie B.

Two of the greatest qualities in life are patience and wisdomRead the rest...

Al Qaeda Disbands — Unnecessary

This poliitical update is from Lowrie B. I think I would like to have the concession for the lemon creme pies to hit our politicos in the face.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the willing and capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”

In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that … Read the rest...

A Cowboy Tombstone

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. This wisdom was contributed by Lowrie B.


1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to … Read the rest...

Let Me Be Your POSSLQ!

There is still lots of material in the archives. Lowrie sent this a couple of years ago. It’s an old classic that is long overdue.

The trouble with not sleeping well is the totally random thoughts that intrude. This morning at 5 am, here came POSSLQ, unbidden, from the memory vaults. All I could recall was that it stood for Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters, and had been used in the Census. Wikipedia revealed that it was the … Read the rest...

The Top 31 Things You Will Never Hear a Southern Boy Say

32. Can you say “Stereotype”?
Another from Lowrie B.

31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.

30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken

26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.… Read the rest...

Secrets of Italian Bread

From the excellent Lowrie.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s vigor and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great … Read the rest...

Changes in Military Aviation

This one is from Lowrie B.

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ‘

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, ‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ‘

When the attendant came … Read the rest...

When a male can’t stand it anymore

This also is Lowrie B.

Read the rest...

Bringing a Smile

This is a lovely little gem from Lowrie B.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint,

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he … Read the rest...

A Political Lexus?

A lovely old tale from Lowrie Beacham. The specific version varys according to current political inclinations.

A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn’t figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this! he said..Nelson! The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

Willie! he continued…. and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, … Read the rest...

A Matter of Appearances

From Lowrie.

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since Fayetteville High School Days. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She … Read the rest...

Irish Alzheimer’s

This is from Lowrie.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat… I know … Read the rest...

Blondes and Aggies

Lowrie sent this a few years ago. Such useful information is always appreciated.

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils — the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. He … Read the rest...

Redneck Vacation

I cherish my good sources. Lowrie is certainly one of these.

 Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.  I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me … Read the rest...

Tropical Storm

From Lowrie and Alan.

Tropical Storm Beryl was the third tropical storm of the 2006 Atlantic hurricane season.

Upon hearing the news, Lowrie remarked, “What??? Our coast is imberylled?!? Panic!”

I responded, “I see there is a tropical storm off the coast of the Carolinas. I guess it’s their turn in the Beryl.”… Read the rest...

Dead Hobo Reporting Glitch

Thanks to Lowrie for this gem.

Dead Hobo Reporting Glitch Claims Another White House Appointee

WASHINGTON – U.S. Energy Secretary Stephen Chu announced his resignation this morning amid new reports that Alameda County workers had unearthed more than a dozen additional dead hobo bodies at his former home in Berkeley, California. The Nobel Prize-winning physicist had been the subject of a week-long controversy after he amended his White House application form to declare “3 or 4” hobo corpses in his … Read the rest...

Morning Sex

This little episode of the continuing battle of the sexes is from Cousin Roger.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,” You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be … Read the rest...

A Tail of Two Aliens

This is from Michael Butterworth from Jolly Olde… Lowrie thinks this joke is older than I am.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader!!

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, … Read the rest...

Toast to the New Year

This is from Lowrie who reports it came from an old (and besotted) fraternity brother who said, “Dunno why this made me immediately think that I need to share this with Beacham”. Actually, I think we know.

The Martini was invented in San Francisco by an eponymous (yeah, I looked it up) bartender, but it was Charles Dickens who tweaked the recipe. Dickens couldn’t get the Angel of Inspiration to land on his shoulder. He couldn’t even come up with … Read the rest...

The Lady Lawyer Golfer

We can always count on Lowrie Beacham to come through with these things.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.

A new lawyer, a woman, joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the … Read the rest...

Volleyball on the Sands

Herein we report a recent pun cascade on P.U.N.Y.

Right now the U.S. Volleyball team is playing on TV. It is a pleasure to watch these daughters and sons of the beach.

Alan C

Opening this note was a net loss to me; a real dis-service.

Lowrie Beacham

Son of a beech…is that something like an acorn?

Cyn Mac

Watching women’s beach volleyball is a real thrill. No if’s sands or butts!

Gary Hallock

Rumor has it that next year, … Read the rest...

The Amish Farmer

This is from Lowrie. It is an updated old tale, I do believe, but it certainly resonates these days.

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts, “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” (Which means, “Don’t drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”)

The kneeling man shouts back, “I’m Muslim, I don’t understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you … Read the rest...

In Praise of Older Women

Another gem from Lowrie Beacham.

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10- inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

“Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping … Read the rest...

The Oasis

This was published on the groaners listserv.

There are two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost.

They’ve been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, … Read the rest...