This was posted by Gill Krebs to puns@yahoogroups.com
It’s an unseasonably cold day in Dallas. Two priests who are visiting town for a convention are walking and since they did not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple. They go into Nieman Marcus and ask the clerk for two black overcoats. The clerk explains that it’s the off-season for overcoats, but he’ll take a look. All he can find are two navy blue coats of the proper size.
He … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-overcoats/
From the groaners listserv
A man takes his puppy to a bar and is told in no uncertain terms to leave immediately.
“But this isn’t just any dog,” the man says. “This dog can play the piano.”
“Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay, and I’ll give you a drink on the house.”
The man sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing — ragtime, Mozart, Gershwin — and the bartender and … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-talented-puppy/
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/how-yuma-arizona-got-its-name/
This bit of history is from Bob Levi. Howell Gwin and Bob produce additional material below.
Few remember that the brilliant mathematician and Nobel Prize winner, Albert Einstein, married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. Einstein stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This postulation became known as … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/albert-einstein/
This is from Shayne Gad. Yep. It’s ’bout that time again. Last night I watched Florida State and Miami work to beat each other into submission. It was one of those situations where whoever won, one couldn’t say the best man did. About the only notable exclusions from this list are SoCal, Notre Dame, and the Aggies.
(1) What does the average Michigan State player get on his SATs?
Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 West … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/college-football-questions-2006-version/
This ancient shaggy dog was published on the groaners listserv.
While spending a quiet day relaxing and staring out the window, Joe hears the phone. He answers and hears, “I am the viper, and I am coming.” Joe was aghast and bewildered.
The next day he received a similar phone message, “I am the viper and in two days I will arrive.” Joe was jittery. Who, or what, is this viper?
So for two days Joe’s life was miserable. He … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-viper/
This is still reverberating around the internet, and I am already behind the curve in sending it out. I thank all those that sent it to me.
What is George W. Bush’s Position on Roe vs. Wade?
He doesn’t really care how the people got out of New Orleans.
Howell Gwin added the variant,
Or, as the Teasip said, “Two ways to cross the Brazos.”… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/george-w-bushs-position-on-roe-vs-wade/
It’s hard to top punmeister Gary Hallock when he creates these short shaggies. Here’s another.
A homeowner decided to have his sunken entrance foyer remodeled to be more user friendly. He had the contractor pour 8 inches of concrete to bring the level of this floor up to match the rest of the house.
All seemed well until the first guest came to his door and pressed the bell. What had formerly been a pleasant chime was now an oddly … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-concrete-contractor/
By Alan B. Combs with an addition by Howell Gwinn
For a long time, a certain public university has had people hired to the position of Student Advocate. This person is hired to represent students in their grievances and disputes with professors and the university.
In its wisdom, this University has recently decided that faculty members may also avail themselves of such an Advocate in their dealings with the university. This has occurred only because of the tireless efforts of … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/our-new-advocate/
This old classic was sent to us by Tom Vickery.
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening to me and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is trying to poison me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can this be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning my food, What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/professional-advice/
By Alan B. Combs with a topper by Howell Gwinn.
Kings are not a happy lot, generally. “Heavy hangs the head that wears the crown,” it is said. This is especially true if the king is a father of a voluptuous and eligible daughter, one so desirable that suitors are overcome by the temptation of her presence.
It happened over and over again with one royal family. Untenable suitors would make come onto his daughter and make unwelcome advances.
Eventually, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/suitors-losing-their-head/
This was sent to us by my cousin Roger. It sticks in my mind that it has a certain venerable quality about it, but it’s not in the collection.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the PA/MD State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/drunks/
By Bob Dvorak with an addendum by Howell Gwin
Ricky lived in one of those little boroughs that dot the hills and ridges of Pennsylvania — coal country. And he, as his father before him, and his grandfather yet earlier, was a coal miner.
It was common practice, at the end of a long week in the mines, to meet for more than a few rounds of beers up in the bar at the top of the ridge overlooking the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-coal-miner-3/
By Alan B. Combs with addenda from PUNY and my mailing list.
There has been much press recently about a purported epidemic of obesity in the country, a condition that is not contagious, but certainly is spreading. More rare, but even more life-threatening conditions are bulimia and anorexia. These are obsessive/compulsive conditions characterized by inappropriate body image where they imagine they are too fat. In response to this image, these people fast excessively, purge themselves, and when they do eat … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/bulimia-nervosa/
by Alan B. Combs. After posting this on PUNY (Punsters United Nearly Yearly), the following cascade resulted. I wrote the first version of this tale nearly twenty years ago.
Not that I can do it, but I routinely skim the medical literature to try to keep up professionally. Several years back, I came across an article in the New England Journal of Medicine called “Salmonellosis associated with marijuana: a multistate outbreak traced by plasmid fingerprinting”, (New England Journal of Medicine … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/contamination/
This is a many times told old classic. I have heard it repeated about Aggies, folks from New Mexico, and Basques. The original author is lost in antiquity and it’s probably not too cold where he is now. Howell Gwin tells me that various European ethnicities tell it about each other.
A Kiwi* ventriloquist approached an Australian and said to him, “Is that your dog?”
The Australian replied, “Yup.”
“Mind if I talk to him?” asked the Kiwi.
“You typical, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-talking-dog-2/
An original by Bob Levi with comment by Howell Gwinn.
Several years ago, my wife and I sailed on a Windjammer Barefoot Cruise ship, the Polynesia. Based out of St. Martin, the Poly visits several Caribbean islands. The ship has an interesting history.
Originally named the Argus, this four mast schooner was built in 1938. She was one of the great Portuguese Grand Banks Fleet that fished for cod near Greenland. Cod fishing was quite hazardous since the fishermen worked … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/caribbean-cruise/
A Gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies. I thank Howell Gwin for thinking of me.
“Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
“Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
“Can you hear me NOW?”
“Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!”
“Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”
“You know, in some states, we’re now legally married.”
“Any … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/colonoscopy-quotes/
This was sent to me by Howell Gwin of Lamar University. It probably is universally applicable.
ACADEMIC TIPPING GUIDELINES
Steven A. Hughes Vicksburg, Mississippi
ABSTRACT
Tipping is an essential component of every graduate student’s education, yet many students either fail to recognize the importance of academic tipping or they are uncertain of prevailing tipping conventions at the graduate level. This paper sets forth a standard of academic tipping protocol suitable for use at most highly-ranked graduate research institutions in the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/academic-tipping-guidelines/
This is a sly little poem sent by Howell Gwinn.
A dreary dreamy young poet
Sailed off to a south sea isle.
He met a girl named Laurie
Who bewitched him with her smile.
Often she would dance for him.
He and she were pals.
But no one ever told him
That she was a cannibal gal.
One fine day she ate him –
‘Tis sad to tell of his fate.
How hard to be remembered
As the poet Laurie … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/day-brightener-for-odd-people/
The following was a recent pun cascade posted on PUNY.
Well, since my “Mulligan Man” pun didn’t hook any fish, here’s another go:
What do you call an Eskimo prostitute?
Nanookie of the north!
CV
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I’d call it “The World’s Coldest Profession” :)
amino-x
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Does that make her a Frostitute?
CV
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Or a lady of the six-month night?
Joseph
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When she’s hot she’s hot, and when she’s cold……she’s still hot.
I heard that the Eskimo prostitute … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/how-about-a-cold-one/
This was posted as recycled humor on alt.callahans by Snarky. The original author is unknown.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I’ll have a brandy…………………………………….
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………. and coke.”
The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”
The bear responds, “I dunno… I’ve always had them.”
Howell Gwin asks:
Why do radio (note the age of the joke….) … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-polar-bear-walks-into-a-bar/
This was written by Howell Gwin who relays that the idea came to him while occupied under certain suspicious circumstances.
There was a Russian guy who used to work for the KGB; he gained quite a reputation as a bad guy to beat all bad guys. With the breakup of the Evil Empire, he suddendly found himself without a cause. He tried various things — black market, Moscow Mafia, but was unsatisfied.
Then he met a Lutheran missionary and was … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/boris/
This tale going where no man has gone before is by Howell H. Gwin, Jr.
Long time ago, Wm Shatner and DeForest Kelley went camping in Northern California. Shatner was an old hand, but Kelley was a real tenderfoot. After camp was set up, Shatner went fishing and when he came back, Kelley was gone. Took them almost a week to find them because…..
THEY COULDN’T SEE DEFOREST FOR DE TREES…… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/hidden-bones/
This is by Jim Macaulay.
John was definitely an alcoholic. His wife, Nancy, constantly begged and harassed him to stop drinking. “If you don’t quit drinking,” she said to him, “you are going to wind up with the undertaker.”
In other words, John was putting the quart before the hearse.
Howell Gwin added:
And then there’s the coed who eloped. She put the heart before the course.… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-short-snort/