All posts tagged Gilbert Krebs

Halloween Monster

By Gill Krebs.


Halloween is a time when we conjure up visions of all manner of ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties.

The most popular of these grotesques is the Frankenstein monster, not to be confused with Victor Frankenstein, his creator.

Despite his evil reputation, Dr. Victor Frankenstein actually had a good sense of humor; he kept his monster in stitches. Frankenstein was also a philanthropist because he founded the first organ donor program – a dead giveaway to his … Read the rest...

The Aggie Hunters

This tale is from Gill Krebs. I think it may be an old one.


Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest.  As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he’s gonna … Read the rest...

The Hunters (An Aggie Joke)

This is from Gil Krebs. It wasn’t initially an Aggie Joke, but the slight change seemed so apropos.


Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest.  As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital … Read the rest...

The Overcoats

This was posted by Gill Krebs to puns@yahoogroups.com


It’s an unseasonably cold day in Dallas. Two priests who are visiting town for a convention are walking and since they did not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple. They go into Nieman Marcus and ask the clerk for two black overcoats. The clerk explains that it’s the off-season for overcoats, but he’ll take a look. All he can find are two navy blue coats of the proper size.

He … Read the rest...

Mushrooms

This is from Gilbert Krebs on the groaners listserv. I think it is one of the better variants on this theme.


When their mine became defunct, partners Smith and Jones decided to grow mushrooms in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Smith wanted all the profits, so he decided to kill Jones by planting some poisonous varieties in his partner’s section.

When. Jones found out, he had Smith arrested. Although the charge of attempted murder was dismissed for lack … Read the rest...

The Burial

By Gilbert Krebs


One day, an Army Sergeant called two Privates to his office. “Men,” he said, “I need you two to bury one of our mules that has died. It’s over at the edge of the field so when you bury it, make sure you level everything off so the grass will grow back.”

The two Privates, really not wanting to do this chore, resigned themselves that since the Sergeant gave the order, they must follow his instructions. They … Read the rest...

The Blessing

This is from Gilbert Krebs .


The Pope was finishing his sermon. He finished with the Latin phrase, “Tuti Hominous” – Blessed be mankind.

A women’s rights group approached the Pope the next day. They commented that the Pope blessed all mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tuti Hominous et tuti Feminous” – Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that … Read the rest...

The Patient

This story is from Gilbert Krebs. It, my dears, could certainly be classified as a classical shaggy dog story. Certain spelling conventions make me think it may be British in origin.


It was a fine morning in early August, when a new patient called upon our hero, Dr. Fenuberry. Despite the balmy weather, the gentleman wore a Trilbey hat, which he did not remove while he was in the waiting room, even under the disapproving stare of Ms. Anthrup, the … Read the rest...

The Convention

This is from Gilbert Krebs. It was published on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.


It was the annual convention of poltergeists, angels, shades and specters.

As the frolic continued and the evening turned into the wee hours, the guests began to drift, some departing and others coalescing into groups even as mortals do. Noticeable among these, was a boisterous (if unlikely) collection of nether world types and some Eastern spirits, to judge by their appearance and the … Read the rest...

The Lump

From Gilbert Krebs, the author of this tale is not known.


This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor, complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he’s … Read the rest...

The Professors

This is from Gilbert Krebs. Do you know any professors like these? Nah, I didn’t think so.


There was a group of college professors who liked to go around discounting established theories.

“The earth is flat!” said one.

“Elvis is not dead!” said another.

“Pi is greater than four!”

“War would not exist if we would just eat right!”

When the president of their university was asked why he kept renewing their tenure, he replied, “They may cost a lot, … Read the rest...

The Lion Tamer

From Gilbert Krebs, the author of this tale is not known.


Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point, of course, was that he would stick his head in a lion’s mouth.

When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet … Read the rest...

The Sailor

This is from Gilbert Krebs and it was published on the groaners listserv.


A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 a.m. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor’s lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!”

The sailor picked up … Read the rest...

Lawn Maintenance

This is from Gilbert Krebs. The author is not known.


In the wealthy suburbs of a city, a strange malady was striking the gardeners on the large estates. They were becoming very morose and depressed, and had to be hospitalized. The first signs of the disease were when they started complaining that the lawns were in terrible shape. A psychiatrist brought in to find out what was happening noticed that there were some gardeners who still remained cheerful and never … Read the rest...

Fish Story

This is from Gilbert Krebs .


Once, a group of people were talking about various objects that were found i n fish. They commented on things like coins, boots and other objects that fish had swallowed because they thought they were edible.

One of them said, “I must tell you of an interesting experience that I had many years ago about this same subject. I was in love with a very beautiful girl. I proposed to her and she accepted. … Read the rest...

Competition

This is by Gilbert Krebs.


A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, “Don’t you want to participate in our competition?”

The guy asks “What’s it all about?”

The barman informs him, “All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the … Read the rest...

Paranomasia

From Gilbert Krebs [gill@cchat.com]. This is a classic old groaner (I can’t think of anyone to whom it might refer, however.) This piece was published on the groaners listserv.


The Institute of Paranomasial Research announced today that they have isolated the cause of severe paranomasia.

Paranomasia, the often debilitating condition which causes unusual misuse of the English language, is found in less than 1% of the population.

An Institute spokesman stated, “We have long sought the cause of this propensity … Read the rest...

The Class Reunion

This is from Gill Krebs and was published on the groaners listserv.


“So, how did the class reunion go?” I asked.

“Kinda fun. Some sad moments, though. Remember Lucy? I found out she died,” he answered.

“How awful! What happened?”

“She got a job at a chemical plant. Keith Simons was working there. You know what those two were like. Couldn’t think of anything but sex. Anyway, one lunch break they sneaked out to a favorite spot right in the … Read the rest...

New Coin

From: Gilbert Krebs [gill@cchat.com]


A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, “Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call, ‘Ted’s or Hale’s’.”… Read the rest...

The Nurse

From Gilbert Krebs [gill@cchat.com] this was published on the groaners listserv. It’s a little bit of a stretch (I get that a lot these days), but clever.


President Eisenhower’s Mother had a sister. This lady constantly had trouble in bright sunshine because her nose was so sensitive that the skin peeled off every summer.

Her doctor made a simple remedy, a small cone of paper (like a Dunce’s cap) which she stuck onto her nose at the first sign of … Read the rest...

Arson

This is from Gilbert Krebs [gill@cchat.com] who posted it on the Groaners listserv.


Back in the days of the Old West, somewhere in Kansas, there lived a rancher named Fred Holt. One day Fred found himself in need of supplies so he headed off to town to restock. After picking up all he needed, Fred decided to stop off at the local saloon for a warm one (no refrigerators in the Old West). As he was standing there quietly drinking … Read the rest...

The Butcher and the Dog

This is from Gilbert Krebs [gill@cchat.com]


A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth there is … Read the rest...

Space War

This is from Gilbert Krebs , and it was published on the groaners listserv. It really is a Feghoot, though, isn’t it?


In the 23rd century the solar system was wracked by constant warring between the fragmented states of the Asteroid Belt. Particularly successful in these wars was one tribe (I’ll call them Joes) which managed to total up a surprising war record despite its amazingly primitive weaponry through sheer ferocity.

After having dispatched a fleet from a rival nation … Read the rest...

Lone Starring

This is an original from Gilbert Krebs.


When Hugh Hefner had his Playboy mansion, there were a succession of Bunnies that he became involved with. It was a custom for each Bunny to present him with a necktie. Eventually, he had hundreds of them in his closet. When he finally married Kimberly Conrad, she became upset to see all those souveniers from former girlfriends. In a fit of pique, she grabbed them all and threw them at her new husband, … Read the rest...

The Advertisement

From: Gilbert Krebs [gill@cchat.com]


There was an advertisement in a Nebraska newspaper which said, “Tired of the same old taste of a hamburger? Try the great new spread, Getty’s. Available at all Lincoln supermarkets. Give your hamburgers a new taste. Treat your hamburger to . . . Lincoln’s Getty’s Burger Dress.”… Read the rest...