All posts tagged Clynch Varnadore

Halloween Poetry

From those punsters on the limericks and haiku listserv:

On Monday the coven was shocked
To learn that a witch had been socked
She took quite a beating
At last wiccan’s meeting
So this week the back doors warlocked
(Gary Hallock)

To frighten the chicks Tom devises
Sheets of white, for turkeys, wise is
His gobblin’ will fool
Those chicks so uncool
This poultry guised pullets surprises
(Gary Hallock)

One of those dead old pha-raohs
Once asked his dad why … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 3

Continuing the Halloween Riddles.

Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
     Their bats flew away (Gary Hallock)

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
     A dead ringer.

What do you call two witches living together?

What would you find on a haunted beach?
     A sand witch.

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
     He wants to use them later for cold cuts!

How do ghosts begin letters?
     “Tomb it may concern”… Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 2

These are from the groaners listserv.

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital ?

To have his ghoul stones removed !

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain ?

He could feel it in his bones !

What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings ?

Lazy bones !

What do boney people use to get into their homes ?

Skeleton keys !

What happened to the boat that sank in … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 1

From the groaners listserv.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?

So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul friend (Clynch Varnadore)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?

It had no body to dance with.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they

Read the rest...

Halloween Limerick

This is by Clynch Varnadore.

The mummy was looking quite dapper
“Got rich from my music, Old Chapper
‘Cause the music that comes
When my bandages hum
Has made me the world’s greatest wrapper!”… Read the rest...

The Robot

This is by Clynch Varnadore of PUNY.

There was a mad scientist who hated to do menial household chores. In particular, he hated kitchen-related chores such as dishes, putting away groceries, etc. In order to avoid wasting valuable “experiment” time with these chores, he invented a robot to do them.

The robot, which he named ‘George’, would spend an hour or two each day cleaning up the kitchen, doing dishes, that sort of thing, then it would go back to … Read the rest...

Off-Duty Date

This is by Clynch Varnadore of PUNY.

When the cop was off duty, he often hung around bars in the seedier parts of town, listening to rumors and trying to get a sense of what was going on. One evening a quite stunningly beautiful lady walked in and ordered a drink. The cop watched her, fascinated that such a comely, well dressed woman would be in a dive like this. She seemed to notice his stare; she turned and came … Read the rest...

Another Absurd Groaner in Football Motif

This charming quickie is by Clynch Varnadore. It was posted on the groaners listserv.

An NFL quarterback was sulking because in the first game of the season he sprained the wrist of his throwing arm and was benched for at least 4 weeks. This was the first game that he hadn’t started since making the team.

He watched the second string quarterback stumble about and get intercepted for the second time that day, and it was too much for him. … Read the rest...

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

This is by Clynch Varnadore, one of the active participants in the PUNY listserv.

A woman goes to the doctor. “Doctor,” she says, “I’m worried about my husband. He’s started doing this whole Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he won’t listen. When he’s normal he denies there’s a problem. When he’s being ‘Mr. Hyde’…well, you can imagine! There’s just no talking to him at all!”

The Doctor tells her to calm down, “I’ve … Read the rest...

The Wrestling Hold

This tale is by Clynch Varnadore.

A wrestler was bragging to his mates in the bar: “I had him in a half-nelson, then quickly switched to a full nelson. Still he wouldn’t give up. I finally got him to quit when I had my manager turn on an old show from the ’50’s and I kept him in the full nelson, forcing him to watch.”

“You didn’t!” another wrestler exclaimed, “That’s so cruel! The Ozzie Nelson should be outlawed!”… Read the rest...

On Your Whatchamacallit

A highly probable tale from Clynch Varnadore of PUNY.

My son was playing with a couple of friends, one of whom is 5. This 5 year old thinks it’s a mortal sin to say the word “butt”. Whenever he hears it he gasps sharply and says, “Ummm!”.

As they were playing last night, the other friend said he was the dad and my son and the 5 year old were the kids. He then said he was going to spank … Read the rest...

In verse logic (II)

By Clynch Varnadore of Punsters United Nearly Yearly (PUNY), this was created in response to In Verse Logic sent a few days ago.

Of course, the son of Sam Iam was famous for his philanthropy toward his creator. He was a large contributer to that group which studies mythology, named for Zeus, “The Olympic Zeusological Society”. It is a group of lawyers who jealously guard the right to the use of the Gods’ names. If a God’s name is written … Read the rest...

The Bra Sale

By Clynch Varnadore and Gary Hallock, via PUNY

There was a sale on bras. I misunderstood when my wife said the bras at the mall were all 75% off. I was ready to GO!

You might think 75% off is a good deal, but the state and local governments get a big cut when you buy more than one of the soft padded type. This is where we get the expression “Getting two downy bra’s tax.”… Read the rest...

The Magician I

This is by Clynch Varnadore on PUNY.

There was a magician who wanted to do more than mere prestidigitation, who had managed across a book which contained all manner of spell, both good and ill. Of particular interest was a spell wherein he could raise the dead. He tried this spell on some animals and discovered that it worked quite well, so he started showing it to various agents in Hollywood.

One agent hit upon a particularly interesting idea; what … Read the rest...

The Sheik

By Clynch Varnadore [] via PUNY []

There was a sheik who had a fairly large sheikdom including the usual perks such as cows, chickens, harems, etc.

One day he returned from a trip to find that another sheik had attacked his home, stealing all his animals, destroying his castle, and (horrors!) taking all his women! His only recourse, in his mind, was to end his life. He took a camel and went alone into the desert.

As he was … Read the rest...

According to Martin Luther

Original from Clynch Varnadore and posted on the PUNY listserv.

As you know, Microsoft makes a program called “Works”. One of its many functions is to backup the files that are produced. What you don’t know was that a few years ago a Christian group got together and created a similar package called “Grace”. The program failed to produce adequate sales and was discontinued.

Critics blamed the advertising slogan. Their advertising slogan?

“Not by Works, but by Grace shall ye … Read the rest...

The Cabbynet Maker

This Feghoot is by Clynch Varnadore and it was posted on the Groaners and PUNY listservs.

During a period of time in Ferdinand Feghoot’s life in which he was feeling particularly morose and depressed, he took a visit to London’s late 1800’s period. The soot, fog and bad morale of the commoners suited his mood, and he felt quite at home.

On his trip, he decided to do a little sight-seeing and so he hailed a cab. This cabbie was … Read the rest...