Another from Bro Tom Vickery.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a frozen box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put them in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did.
The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen to her if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/crabs/
By the endlessly creative Bob Dvorak. This doesn’t mean that he cannot sit down while writing these things.
Strolling the streets of lower Manhattan the other day at lunch, I wandered into a silversmith’s storefront workshop. The young man immediately bustled out from behind his workbench and introduced himself.
He showed me some of his original-design earrings, rings, belt buckles, and so forth. Then he reached behind the counter and brought out a brilliant piece of artwork.
“It’s a hunting … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/one-day-at-the-smiths/
By Chris Cole in response to a previous story
Ollie had recently gone a quite a diet, and his pants fit rather loosely, so the cuffs were an easy recepticle to receive stolen ROM chips.
A shadowing KGB officer noticed the theft and shortly therafter chased Ollie through the zoo. Ollie tried to scramble over the fence, but his pants, being too big, slipped off and were left behind (or more exaclty, were left OFF OF Ollie’s behind!).
The KBG … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/story-time-addendum/
by Alan B. Combs.
Unlike the celebrated cases of certain others such as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, you may not be aware of their successes, but Fred Danjou and Bill Bartlett also developed a profitable enterprise in their garage. They were the first to create pear-to-pear file sharing clients.
Lowrie Beacham added, “Not only profitable; also fruitful.”
Chris Cole added:
Just goes to show that entrepreneurs should be the first to enjoy the fruit of their labors!… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/garage-enterprise/
Bob Dvorak is always good for a nice little pun. Here’s another.
Halfway down the Blue Ridge Parkway, Sybil decided she really didn’t know where she was, or how far it was to her motel, or how to get there. Plan ahead!
Anyway, she exited when she saw the Sunoco sign poking over the trees, pulled into the convenience-store-cum- gas-station and asked the attendant for directions. “I can sell you a map,” replied the cashier.
“What kind of map?” asked … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/lost-in-virginia/
By Alan B. Combs with help from Chris Cole.
An ancient Persian prophet traveled about the civilized world, converting as much of it as he could to his peculiar brand of monotheism. He did this partly by force of persuasion, but mostly by force of arms. If his words should not happen to convince, zip, out would come the sword, bringing about a most pointed and speedy conversion.
The prophet would then carve his initial, “Z” on a nearby wall, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/making-his-mark/
Originally published in the March 06 Pundit. By Alan B. Combs with commentary by Chris Cole
Dancing, songs, and overtly sexist jokes were the mainstays of a small troop of vaudevillians of the old school. They tried to carry on with their routines into this decade, but lately they found their work was not much appreciated. They did not understand why until one day a woman in the audience stood up and shouted, “You are nothing but a bunch of … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/out-of-date/
By Bob Dvorak with addenda by Miss Scarlett and Chris Cole
Randy had seen one too many movies. A bow and arrow was a cool weapon. He decided to try to make some arrows.
He found some oak dowels; a local fabric store provided decorative feathers; and, for his first effort, a push-pin provided a weighted tip.
His friend Tommy had a bow-and-arrow set, so he went to Tommy’s to try out his creation. Unfortunately, when he set it against … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/an-arrowing-experience/
The first part of this tale is by Bob Dvorak who posted it to the PUNY listserv. Jason Dias’ response is the second part. Chris Cole’s response is the third part.
Jerry and Cassie McCoy had brought the kids on vacation to Colorado. One of the anticipated highlights was climbing the 14,000-foot-plus Pike’s Peak by automobile.
Unfortunately, somewhere around the 11,000-foot marker, their car began to struggle. The engine definitely sounded strained, and was beginning to misfire occasionally. Jerry despondently … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/mounting-a-peak-effort/
Another synaptic sampling from Chris Cole.
Many folks have heard about the internationally famous arm wrestling championships regularly held in Petaluma, but there is another chap who lived in relative obscurity in a small, nameless town, yet who has a unique claim to fame nonetheless. He was the perennial arm wrestling champion year after year until one fateful day when he lost his wrestling arm in a terrible accident. This put the man into a deep depression, forlorn at the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/legal-leverage/
Chris Cole sent this Christmas tale. The author is not known.
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said, “Hey baby, let’s play Weeweechu.”
“Oh, no, not now, let’s look at the moon,” said Jung Lee.
“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Huan Cho begged.
“But I rather … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/weeweechu/
This was posted on the groaners listserv. The author is unknown.
A clown moved into an apartment block reserved solely for circus performers. He liked everything about the apartment. The kitchen was modern, the bedroom was comfortable and the lounge was spacious. And there were plenty of facilities — cooker, Hoover, refrigerator, washing machine.
The only thing that was missing was an ironing board, something on which he could press his circus uniform after washing ft. “Why is there no … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-clown/
Another groaner by Stan Kegel, this was posted on the groaners listserv.
I spent several years as a entertainment director on cruise ships. In order to work on a ship you are required to attend frequent lectures in water safety. Considerable time was devoted to what you should do if you accidentally fall overboard.
It was recommended to us, not to panic, but to slowly remove all our outer clothing. However, we were warned to be certain that the blouse … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/safety-overboard/
This was published on the groaners listserv. The author is unknown.
A man who despised his city’s Building Department decided to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn’t out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house. As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/roof-repair/
This was sent to us by HWILTC. He says, “I thought of this Feghoot yesterday when I saw a car with a [related] vanity plate. It’s original to me, but I’m old enough to have read the Fegoot stories when they were new. I may have let someone else’s joke fester in the slimy grey cells of my mind long enough that I’ve forgotten when I first heard it.”
The high school math student looked at the final exam in … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-math-exam/
This is from Lee Daniel Quinn.
It’s hard to believe that Lucy and I are actually getting married, considering the fact that her multi-millionaire father owns the local NFL franchise, and I’m just a lowly, underpaid member of the grounds crew, relegated to painting the team logo on the field, which is actually a fairly difficult job, what with all the little flairs, curlicues and swooshes I have to deal with, not to mention the texture of the turf itself, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-groundskeeper/
This is an original by Tom Gunter.
I left my car at the shop overnight when I bought a new set of radials. When we picked it up the next day, I saw the word “sleeper” scrawled across the paperwork.
I said to my wife, “Look, my car slept here last night.”
“Of course it did,” she replied. “It was tired.”
From Chris Cole:
The next time he takes in his car for new treads he should get the senior … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/road-weary/
A short tale from Chris Cole.
Did you hear about the mining company executive who was famous for personally going down into the mines to settle labor differences? He took great relish (don’t know, though, if it was sweet or kosher…) in that part of his job and often was heard singing on the elevator as it lowered him down through the strata of rock,
“Gonna take a sedimental journey, gonna set my mine at ease… “… Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-mine-is-a-terrible-thing-to-waste/
From Chris Cole who tells us:
I’ll be you didn’t know that one of Homer’s favorite scribes often accompanied him on short sailing trips. This scribe was also a musician whose gentle instrumentals often calmed Homer whenever he became agitated. Although normally quite eloquent of locution, when he got frustrated Homer could lapse into a most embarrassing lisp.
Well, one afternoon his scribe was late in joining Homer at the ship to sail back home and, as we all know, … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/in-verse-logic-from-the-country-hall-of-fame/
This was published on the groaners listserv. The author is unknown.
A motorcycle patrolman was pursuing a truck along the Pacific Coast Highway, when the truck suddenly braked abruptly to make a turn. The patrolman slammed into the truck’s tailgate, and was seriously injured, rapidly losing blood which was spurting from a severed artery in his right leg.
A motorist who saw the accident, stopped and rushed to the wreckage. He saw the patrolman, pulled off his necktie, and quickly … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/first-aid/
By Alan B. Combs with comments by Chris Cole and Bob Levi.
A young man applied for a job in a cordage shop and to his delight had been accepted. The store manager took it upon himself to train the new employee in the types of merchandise available. This was no small task.
First came the manila section, old classic hawsers originally from the days of tall ships and more flexible material used in horse training. Other sections of the … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-cordage-shop/
Chris Cole sends the following timely warning.
An archaeologist who was known for taking dangerous shortcuts came across some hieroglyphics at a local cliff-side dig that seemed to indicate a nearby burial site that could contain untold riches. Ignoring the warnings of his fellow diggers to take his time and investigate things further, our hapless lad quickly jotted down some notes from the wall’s scribblings and then began a furious and recklessly fast excavation of the purported site. Alas, once … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/tomb-raiders-the-final-exhume/
By Alan B. Combs
I’m aging, but not all that gracefully, it seems. My wife plays a Jammin’ Oldies station on her car radio. You should know that my type of music is nearly 100% Folk and Country, so that stuff is really foreign to my nature.
However, I may have missed out on some good, inspirational material. The other day on her station, for example, I heard an old song that somehow I had missed before. I regret missing … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-certain-steppenwolf-song/
This was posted on alt.humor.puns by Perfect Tommy. The author is unknown.
Karl Marx was in Montmartre visiting Henri de Toulouse Lautrec. They were out riding in a carriage, and Lautrec saw some peasants working in a field and wanted to paint them. However, they were wearing dirty old dungarees, and he wanted to know if they had something more colorful to wear. Lautrec had difficulty walking because of childhood injuries, so Marx volunteered to go out to the field … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/marx-in-france/
Here’s an original avian aquatic tale from Chris Cole.
Once upon a time Sol the duck met Miriam the duck. Duck hormones soon won out and they fell in love. They got married and eventually had a family of little ducks to follow them around the lake. Two of Sol’s offspring were teenaged females who drove him nearly nuts with their incessant chattering. Wherever the family went, the two girls would yakkity yak an endless stream of jabber. (They might … Read the rest...
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/duck-soup/