Bob Dvorak sent this in. The original source is unknown.
All posts tagged Bob Dvorak
Bob Dvorak is a regular on the pun websites and the O. Henry Pun-Off. He is the 2012 Punster of the Year.
Where Do Astronauts Hang Out?
… Posted by Brian P. Combs on September 11, 2012
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/where-do-astronauts-hang-out/
Catching Polar Bears (Redux)
It has been about 16 years since the sequence of jokes and commentaries about catching polar bears was posted on Tarzan’s Tripes Forever (Use the Search function). I liked it then and I still do. Lo and behold, Punster of the Year Bob Dvorak has posted a variant.
Here is Bob’s addition:
[Not original. Received this a.m., but I’ve never seen it before!]
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 10, 2012
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/14328/
Punster of the Year 2012 Named
As part of the annual O.Henry Pun-Off, Bob Dvorak has been named Punster of the Year by the International Save the Pun Foundation. Bob is a constant presence on the pun website, and a regular competitor in the Pun-Off.
Congrats, Bob!… Read the rest...
Posted by Brian P. Combs on May 17, 2012
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/punster-of-the-year-2012-named/
Cosmetic Surgery
This quickie was prompted by a query from Stan Kegel.
Mary was a happy lamb, with fleece as white as snow. But as she got older, she became more and more depressed because of an increasingly objectionable cosmetic defect in her ears. They were becoming more and more Droopy (can you imagine dog-like ears?).
Finally, Mary discovered the way Doberman Pinschesr had their ears trained to stand up, instead of drooping. This treatment occasionally includes surgery and taping the ears … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on January 2, 2011
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cosmetic-surgery/
Current Events — Interage Marriage
This ia a pun cascade from P.U.N.Y.
Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Engaged to 24-Year-Old
The 84-year-old announces his engagement to model Crystal
Harris on Twitter.
The above – seriously! – is from today’s news.
I can guess what wedding gifts they’ll exchange: She’ll give
him an Erector set, and he’ll give her a do-it-yourself kit.
Charles Wukash
A bunny thing happened on the way to the nursing home.
Gary Hallock
I thought young gal would play boy, man shun.
Chris … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on December 29, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/current-events-interage-marriage/
A PUNY Thanksgiving Dictionary
A seasonal offering from the PUNY listserv.
A yam: First person singular present of “to be” as in, “A yam very happy that everyone was able to be here tonight” (Cynthia MacGregor)
Breast: The part of the bird little kids love to ask for because they’re getting away with saying one of “those” words without getting punished for it (Cynthia MacGregor)
Brussels Sprouts: Das Kindergartners (in my best fractured pseudoFlemish) (Bob Dvorak)
Candied Yams: Descartes telling it like it is… … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on November 20, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-puny-thanksgiving-dictionary/
Peanut Butter Without Jelly
This is by Bob Dvorak.
Dani sat in the cafeteria and opened up her brown-bag lunch. Bologna. Again. She glanced around. Jimmy had PBJ. Beth had PBJ. Sal had PBJ.
They looked back at her. “Bologna again?”
“Yes. I don’t like peanut butter without jelly.”
“So get your mom to put jelly in it.”
“We don’t have any in the house. Too many calories, she says, so she got rid of the jelly.”
“No more jelly?”
“No. She’s ex-pectin.”… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 29, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/peanut-butter-without-jelly/
A Horse Riddle
Posted on P.U.N.Y. as a riddle, “I want to get off on Foal 100”. This is by Bob Dvorak.
The youngster on the horse farm was in a playful mood. The weather was warm, the skies were clear. Butterflies flitted about and there wasn’t a fly in sight. He went down to the pond, and gingerly stepped in to grab a sip of water. A misstep into the muck, however, caused him to flounder; he lost his footing and splashed … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 28, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-horse-riddle/
Off The Beaten Drac….
We have in no manner run out of these daily Halloween stories. That leaves some for next year. This particular tale is by Bob Dvorak and was posted to P.U.N.Y.
Dracula was walking down the street in mufti. He paused in front of a jewelry shop and was admiring a bracelet with some particularly marvelous blood-red stones when a young woman approached with the similar idea of browsing expensive baubles.
As she studied an opal pendant she heard a somewhat … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 28, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/off-the-beaten-drac/
Anti-Crime Program
A quickie by Bob Dvorak.
The mayor of a certain large Midwestern city decided to press a new anti-crime program via the Police Department called the “Zero Urban Problems” program.
Each morning at roll call, the sergeant finished with “Let’s be careful out there.” When a rookie asked why he always said that, his partner answered, “He’s the Head-ZUP guy.”… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 21, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/anti-crime-program/
Car Quiz
This is a series of car puns from P.U.N.Y. The usual suspects are identified.
What did the demolition driver do to cars?
He rectum (Doug Specter)
What did the Indian wrecker truck driver do with cars?
He totem (Doug Specter)
What did the CPA do to his car?
He totaled it (Doug Specter)
What did the mink coat salesman do with cars?
He stole them (Doug Specter)
What do Polish people do with their cars?
… Read the rest...They polish them (Doug Specter)
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 11, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/car-quiz/
Halloween Groaner III
This witch’s tale is by Bob Dvorak.
As the New Year approached, business was roaring. Every customer wanted some sort of potion to improve his life, or some sort of poison to ruin another’s.
Merelda was a top-flight witch. Her poisons and potions were known to be at least fourteen times better than any others in the kingdom. No one save she knew why, and it was her closely guarded secret. Had they followed her around, they would have discovered … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 11, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/halloween-groaner-iii/
West Point
This is a pun cascade from many of the folks at P.U.N.Y.
From our vantage overlooking the Hudson at West Point, we could see, near the top of a hill on the other side, a castle [purportedly] used in the filming of The Wizard of Oz, complete with a moat. Apparently it won’t be used in future productions. It’s been demoated.
Bob Dvorak
If the castle is not being used, we should consider the ditch around it to be moot.… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on October 8, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/west-point/
A College Reunion
This was a Friday Chuckle by Bob Dvorak.
Four graduates of Hunter College decided to get together for lunch at Carnegie Deli. It was a pleasant enough affair as they caught up on thirty years of family activities.
Sara said, “I’m so proud of my son. David is an investment banker down on Wall St.”
Rachel piped up, “My son Ben is a surgeon at Mt. Sinai.”
Lynn followed with, “My Donna just earned her tenure at Columbia University.”
Heidi … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on September 24, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-college-reunion/
One that got away…
A fish tail by Bob Dvorak.
With a brash combination of selective breeding and genetic modification, Earl had managed to produce herring that grew about twenty percent faster, and equally larger, than the natural fish.
Eager to cash in on his labors, he synopsized his four years of work and submitted it to a scholarly journal. The peer review process was both quick and deadly.
“Insufficient records.” “Lack of controls.” “Insufficient data.” “Consistently unreproduceable results.” “Insufficient sample size.” On and … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on September 6, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/one-that-got-away/
Abdul, The Hack
This was written a few years ago by Bob Dvorak.
Abdul came to New York City, and, as so many immigrants do, he became a
taxi driver. But he was determined to be no ordinary taxi driver… at the
end of a 15-hour workday, he went home to city street maps and tour guides,
and studied and studied.
Within a fairly short time he knew every back street; every alley; which
one-way streets went one way and which, the other. … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on August 26, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/abdul-the-hack/
Lost Lake Cabins, Ontario
This is by Bob Dvorak. Frequently his stories are wonderfully subtle, and you have to listen to the language as it is spoken to get the pun; such is the case with this one.
On our vacation my wife and I traveled to a remote corner of the province of Ontario. We drove into the small village and, lacking directions to our cabin, stopped at the little wood-frame building that said, simply, “Village Hall — Police Station”.
We walked in. … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 17, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/lost-lake-cabins-ontario/
Why Coaches Get the Big Bucks
Another by Bob Dvorak.
As the bullpen sweated through the top of the ninth inning, the coaches were huddling over the last licks. Down two runs, three outs to go.
Quinlan spoke up. “I figure we still have Menendez on the bench — our only position player left, but he’s left-handed. Stick him in the pitcher’s spot. The way I see it, he should take two pitches — Thornton won’t throw an actual strike until the third toss. If he … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 15, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/why-coaches-get-the-big-bucks/
Ship in a Bottle
By Bob Dvorak.
The Village Historical Society in the little Connecticut town presented a special exhibition the week of the 27th. A room in the library was set aside for “Ships in Bottles” constructed by Jim Whitson’s great-great-grandfather from around 1855 to 1890.
“You’ll note,” said old Mr. Tenton, the local historian (and probably the most knowledgeable resource on the topic in the entire state), “that in many of the bottles there are two ships. Tobias Whitson had more than … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on July 14, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/ship-in-a-bottle/
The Shabbat Goy
By Bob Levi, followed by explanatory and helpful conversation.
In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbat.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew’s bar mitzvah. But he didn’t want to miss the rabbi’s sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 6, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-shabbat-goy/
Chili
By Bob Dvorak
Cowboy Dan was a chili lover. A chili connoisseur. And a chili chef supreme. His particular recipe used beans — lots of beans, of many types. Pinto beans. Red kidney beans. Black beans. And on and on.
Now Cowboy Dan was such an accomplished chili chef that he’d invariably won a prize at every church bazaar, county fair, and two-bit-cow-town-chili-contest to which he’d ever brought his concoction.
Naturally he accumulated a vast supply of recipe books, chili … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on May 15, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/chili/
Blondes in the Construction Business (Two Tales)
From the groaners listserv. The second tale is ancient; older than the category of blonde jokes.
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“Alright. How long do you need them?”… Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 26, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/blondes-in-the-construction-business-two-tales/
As Long as You Asped
By Bob Dvorak
Over lunch at the annual herpetologists’ meeting, Jack Saunders noted that in his study of rattlesnakes, he had never seen one dozing out in the desert that wasn’t coiled into something of a spiral.
A lively discussion ensued on the habits of rattlers — and his companions noted that the same behavior was typical of blacksnakes, pythons, and, for that matter, nearly all snakes.
By the end of lunch, however, Jack was left unsatisfied. “I still want … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on April 4, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/as-long-as-you-asped/
Fishbait
By Bob Dvorak
Hi, Alan —
I regret that I won’t see you this year…
But, in the meantime, during the summer season in this
part of the world, it’s fairly common to see one of
those yellow signs in front of nearly every quick-shop
advertising “Nite Crawlers”.
Since they’re often also delis-to-go, the signs often
advertise other deli-type items.
You should see the reaction I get when I ask the young
woman behind the counter if I can have … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 30, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/fishbait/
The Talking Towel
By Bob Dvorak, of course.
Entering a remote inn on a cold and rainy night, I was stopped by a small man who told me he was sick, tired, and broke, and would I provide him with enough for a warm indoors room for the night?
Feeling sorry for him and having not yet exhausted my monthly tithe for charitable works, I bought him a room at the inn.
As we headed upstairs, he told me he was really a … Read the rest...
Posted by Alan B. Combs on March 28, 2010
http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-talking-towel/