All posts tagged Bennett Cerf

Just a Cold

This tale is attributed to Bennett Cerf.

An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day. “I can’t stand your constant sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief?”

Answered the squaw, “‘Tis but for a linen cloth for which I hanker, Chief.”… Read the rest...

Roadside Indians

This is attributed to Bennett Cerf.

While on vacation, I was driving through the Arizona countryside when I saw a middle-aged smiling squaw at a stand by the roadside. She was surrounded by sixteen happy laughing children ranging in ages from a toddler to a teen-ager.

I stopped and asked, “Are those all your children?”

“Oh, yes,” replied the Indian women while simultaneously trying to sell me blankets and other relics on her stand.

“With a huge family like that, … Read the rest...


This tale is attributed to Bennett Cerf.

An insurance agent received this inquiry from a lady in Wichita: “If I take out one of your special policies on my husband’s life, exactly what will I get if he dies?”

The agent, a stickler for accuracy, replied, “If he dies naturally, $10,000. If he dies accidentally, $20,000. If he dies intentionally, 30 years.”… Read the rest...

Lest We Forget

This old and shaggy tale has been attributed to Bennett Cerf.

You may think a certain war cry was created because of a town in Texas. Not so. This is the way it was. A group of young soldiers were in what once was called an ice cream parlor. In those ancient days when prohibition was the rule of the land, they were a necessity where a group could gather and enjoy simple fun. As usual, the men in uniform … Read the rest...

The Thoroughbred

Bennett Cerf was one of the patron saints of shaggy dog stories and this story is attributed to him. A version also can be found in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns”.

In the world of racehorses the thoroughbred, even though he is king, does not have much of a chance to enjoy his coltishness. Not long after he is born his training for the track begins.

After his owner has watched him gambolling about the pasture beside his … Read the rest...

The Crow

This story is attributed to Bennett Cerf. It also occurs in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns”.

Clarence was the most talkative bird in Birdland. You could always tell when Clarence was in the rookery, it was his beak that was always open.

He had another peculiarity. While most of the flock would settle on trees or perch on power lines, he would head unerringly for the telephone cables and once settled, he seemed to talk to himself.

His … Read the rest...

The Spy

A version of this tale is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.” A similar version has been attributed to Bennett Cerf.

Wolff Kissinger was a spy. He was the bane of the Nazis during the war, for although they sought him everywhere, they were never able to lay a hand, bullet or poisoned dart on him. The reason was that Wolff was a master of disguise.

Once he was an old flower woman, calling out her posies in … Read the rest...

The Photographer

A version of this story has been attributed to Bennett Cerf. A version can also be found in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns”.

A distant cousin of Syngman Rhee from Korea got a job as a photographer for Life Magazine. His work was excellent and he soon became one of their top stars. One day he failed to show up for work. A week went by and he still did not show. Fellow workers phoned his hotel and … Read the rest...

An Indian Success Story

A version of this story has been ascribed to Bennett Cerf. Another version is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”

A small band of Cherokee Indians on a Midwest reservation was so poor it didn’t even have skins to make teepees. Other bands knew it as the bunch that had no hides to place. But this sad state was remedied one day when the chief found oil on the property. The happy juice gushed to such an extent … Read the rest...

The Bell Makers

This pun is by Bennet Cerf, that most prolific writer and collector of puns.

Long ago, in a small country in Europe, one family had for centuries made all the bells for the churches in the village. Finally, only one member of the bell-making family was left, and he was also the mayor of the town. Feeling threatened by competition, the mayor decreed that no wedding bells might be rung in the village unless they were made by him. He … Read the rest...

Shaggy Historical Site

This has been attributed to Bennett Cerf. Many variants exist.

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included in a Federal Park (true!). The problem was what to do with the other mills, and how to attract more tourists to the area. One bright young marketeer pointed out that Germans like to travel with their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. Why not make … Read the rest...