All posts tagged Alice Collins

How To Make Yourself Feel Smarter (Read These)

Alice Collins from LA sent this. (Now, as for me, I would be likely to cut a little (a lot of) slack for anything Mariah Carey or Brooke Shields might say.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss … Read the rest...

Sniffer, the Dog

This timely and topical tale was sent by Alice Collins.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog … Read the rest...

An ID ten T Error?

We received this bit of useful information from Alice Collins. Thanks.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

“So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that — in case … Read the rest...

Frankenstein’s Monster

The Annual Bulwer-Lytton ( writing contest is based upon the much stolen beginning line by Snoopy, “It was a dark and stormy night…” The contest is run each year by the Department of English at San Jose State University. The award is given to the worst lead-in to a dreadful story. This offering is by John L. Ashman — it was a Co-Winner in the 2000 Vile Puns category.

We have created a monster, Doktor Frankenstein!” screeched Igor, the doktor’s … Read the rest...

A Love Triangle

A sheepish tale by Norman Gilbert.

Once upun a time on a fork in the river Rhine there was a love triangle involving a handsome young shepherd, a beautiful princess and a sheep.

Our hero was herd to say to his loved one, “I love you.” When she asked, “How much?” he replied, “All of you.”

This was over-herd by the sheep (the obtuse side of the triangle) who became so sick with jealousy that her wool turned green and … Read the rest...

On Your Whatchamacallit

A highly probable tale from Clynch Varnadore of PUNY.

My son was playing with a couple of friends, one of whom is 5. This 5 year old thinks it’s a mortal sin to say the word “butt”. Whenever he hears it he gasps sharply and says, “Ummm!”.

As they were playing last night, the other friend said he was the dad and my son and the 5 year old were the kids. He then said he was going to spank … Read the rest...

It’s All In The Delivery

Alice Collins reminds us of this shaggy old tale, “My father’s 85 years old, and I heard this from him. No idea where he heard it.”

A man walks into a bar one evening, and this is the first time he’s been in this particular bar. As he sits at the counter drinking, suddenly he hears someone call out, “Number 35.” And everybody in the bar bursts out laughing. A little later, someone else calls out, “Number 47.” Again everybody … Read the rest...

The Pie Contest

This reminder of an old-timer comes from Alice Collins []. She reports, “This an Art Roberts bedtime story from WLS radio back in the ’60s.”

Once upon a time in the hills of Tennessee, there was a pie-making contest. This contest was special, because it was for mothers and sons who competed in teams. The mother-son teams were judged on speed, and each team had a bell to ring when they were through.

The day of the contest came, and … Read the rest...

Dental Work

This is from Alice Collins. Bless her heart, this was in response to a previous story.

Oh, boy, do you need help, so I’m sending you a true story of one of my proudest moments. I had definitely been overdoing it, making one pun right after another and driving my friends crazy. Finally, one of them couldn’t take it anymore, and said, “Alice, if you make one more pun, I’m going to knock all of your teeth out.”

The reply … Read the rest...

A Bad Case of Indigestion?

This is from Alice Collins []. Thank you.

The Ides of March are upon (upun?) us and I see you don’t have the one about how Caesar’s murder really took place. It seems it took place right after breakfast. Caesar is walking to the Forum, and he meets Brutus.

Brutus says, “Good morning, Caesar.”

Caesar says, “Good morning, Brutus.”

Brutus asks, “Have you had breakfast yet?”

Caesar answers, “Yes, I have.”

Brutus then asks,”What did you have?”

Caesar answers, “Oh, … Read the rest...

An Elephant Never….

Mitch Friedman sent us this. Alice Collins also sent me a very similar version.

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.

“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.

“Yes,” … Read the rest...

Robinson Crusoe

I received this worthy groaner from Alice Collins who says, “Since I’m not the author of this joke (I heard it so long ago I don’t remember where) if you are going to give me credit, make it credit for perpetuating the joke, not perpetrating it.

Did you hear the one about the two mosquitos on Robinson Crusoe’s island? One says to the other, “I’m leaving now, but I’ll see you on Friday.”… Read the rest...