All posts tagged Alan B. Combs

Creator of “Tarzan’s Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots” and 2003 Punster of the Year. In his spare time, Alan B. Combs is a toxicologist with the Pharmacy School of the University of Texas at Austin.

Best Twitches

by Alan B. Combs

This is derivative, oh yes, but it is mine. There have been several “Ghandi” submissions on the pun lists the last couple of weeks. About two years ago in alt.callahans, there was a similar spate of variations on the Mary Poppins song. The following is based upon one that I did at that time and which for several reasons could not be published.


Ms. Espy, an empathetic soul, lived in an east coast tenement building. One … Read the rest...

Shaggy Serpent

by Alan B. Combs


Too frequently it’s just very difficult being a serpent. Fat ladies wham you with clubs, some people give you respect but very few give you love. This is the sad tale of a serpent we shall call Fred.

Fred needed love and appreciation, but being what he was, he found these hard to find. One day he tried to befriend a man in the park. Very soon, Fred figured out that the man did not have … Read the rest...

Like Clockwork

by Alan B. Combs


Jealousy is described as the green demon. Indeed, it can be the undoing of otherwise well-fated folks. Thus it was with the people that lived in Texas’s fair cities of Bryan and College Station.

To understand this occurrence, you must also realize that the folks from this part of Texas are deeply and religiously into country music. They would not feel this as an obsession, however, but rather as a normal way of living. So be … Read the rest...

Caudal Ending

(By Stan Kegel and Alan Combs)

Inspired by a setup by Stan Kegel, and wanting to use my wrong answer to one of his pun riddles, I present the following.


Everyone has troubles. No matter how high, or how low, nothing ever goes smoothly. It is thus also with the affairs of that fallen angel, Satan. On one particularly bad day, he accidently had his tail cut off. The press of business prevented him from immediately retrieving the appendage, and … Read the rest...

About those fears….

by Alan B. Combs


A psychologist friend has altogether too many patients with bizarre phobias with whom she must deal. One patient has an abnormal, paralizing fear of spiders. Another, is reluctant to go out at night, another to go out during the day. Several are afraid to walk on sidewalks because of the potential injury to their mothers’ backs. One patient is desperately afraid to spend money. Another is worried about getting disease from the germs on paper money. … Read the rest...

Two for the price of one

By Dan Dutcher with a response by Alan B. Combs


Dan Dutcher swears that he was taking a nap on a flight from Hawaii to the mainland, when he awoke and said to his companion, “I just dreamt a pun.” He then took out a sheet of paper and wrote this story.

Shortly after Sonny Bono’s untimely demise, I was having a drink with my friend, Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned that his father had been … Read the rest...

Essene Essence and other old tales

By Alan B. Combs and Chris Cole


Archeology, that ancient science of antiquities (or is it the antiquated science of ancients), received much favorable press with the Indiana Jones sagas. Usually, though, archeology is more quiet than that.

One exception to this quiet occurred a few years ago in the Middle East when a new cache of ancient written material was found near the Northern border of the Dead Sea. Controversy arose immediately. It appeared that while many of the … Read the rest...

Owed to a Bartender

Yeah, you can blame me for this one (by Alan B. Combs).


Generally, a bartender’s life is a happy one. People pay top dollar for the unique services they bring, and by far, the result is an increase in joy. The most joyous occasions are those in which the bartender joins the patrons in a libation and buys a round for the house. That is when our benefactor finds friends galore, all of whom are hoping to share in the … Read the rest...

Helsinki Discords

by Alan B. Combs


For many of the patrons of the alt.callahans, it is time to go into hibernation for four or five months. For others, life begins this week. Happy, happy, joy, joy — real NFL football is back!

Though, it must be admitted that there are a few souls for whom it is not true, there are those lucky ones for whom footballness is next to godliness. The rabid nature of support for one’s preferred team, the elation … Read the rest...

Toast, Henri Fontaine

By Alan B. Combs. I posted this one to alt.callahans a couple of years ago (1998, actually). I don’t find it in my shaggy data base, so here it is, again.


Instead of the sadder tributes found elsewhere in the Place, Alan wants to propose a happy toast, a toast to one of the Lesser Lights who may not be so well known to the Patrons, but who should be more famous — Monsieur Henri Fontaine.

Henri was born a … Read the rest...

Coffee Jokes

by Alan B. Combs (who saw it once in a cartoon)


The topic of coffee jokes came up in the P.U.N.Y. (Punsters United Nearly Yearly) group to which I suscribe. I could only think of young, bovine vampires.

How does this relate to coffee, do ye ask?

Calf fiend, of course.… Read the rest...

Tim Allen meets Shakespeare

by Alan B. Combs


It’s funny how these things come to me. I was watching Tim Allen’s TV show the other night. We all know how he gets off on implements and tools. I easily could imagine him building a marvelous tool shed in the back yard, a tool shed that is the primary attraction and center of attention when looking out through the large bay window in his living room.

Then, I can see him standing in the living … Read the rest...

Slaving over the Net

by Alan B. Combs


I am still recovering from my semester from Hell, but I was not the only one in my family who was busy. My son the webmaster is now doing online advertising for a major purveyor of well-formatted silicon. Over the holidays, he has been putting in long hours slaving away at the new World Wide Web site.

In fact, one might say that for the past several weeks he has been doing nothing but netcerfing.… Read the rest...

Shaggy Star Trek

By Alan B. Combs

This pun is well-done in my opinion, but you do have to have a certain amount of specialized knowledge about H.P. Lovecraft and about Star Trek. My prediction, based upon test runs with this thing, is that about 1/3 will get it (so don’t feel bad). Nevertheless, because it is a child of effort, here it is.


This story has to do with those recognized celebrities, Capt. James T. Kirk and his equally well-known, Japanese-descended deck … Read the rest...

Col. O’Ridge

By Alan B. Combs


Sometimes these stories are longer; sometimes they are not. This story concerns one of several choirs organized by members of the Garment Makers Union. The lady’s hat makers were slower than other groups to organize. This is because they spent much time seeking the ideal one to sing counterpoint melody far above the usual melody line.

Typically, their luck in finding this person was miserable. One self-appointed songster tried to join the group. “My voice will … Read the rest...

Daliance

by Alan B. Combs

This is my version, but I am sure the concept is one I dragged out of my memory somewhere.


Probably, it is time to tell you a story that originates more from my profession than do many other shaggy dogs. It is a little known fact that a pharmacist was responsible for saving the career of that creator of really weird, surrealist paintings, Salvador Dali. It seems that the artist accidently poured boiling water on his … Read the rest...

Addictive Shaggy

by Alan B. Combs


Addiction is a severe problem in our society. As many of you know, certain members of the neuropharmacology group in our College are leaders in educating medical practitioners and other health professionals about the medical model of addiction. They feel that the medical model is better in explaining addiction, and that more effective therapies will result from these advances in knowledge. Just this week, Time Magazine’s lead article was about the new neurological theories of addiction.… Read the rest...

Madonna in White

By Alan B. Combs


Christina, a most beautiful child, was born an albino. As an adult, she was even more spectacular. The effect was most intriguing, silver-white skin, almost argent in its nature. Everyone loved her — except for Ronald, who, we must confess had a deep streak of prejudice against the extraordinary. And, as it always happens, she fell deeply, madly in love with Ronald.

Against the advice of all those who had her best interests at heart, Tina … Read the rest...

One for Juan

by Alan B. Combs


Ah, a workday, sandwiched between a holiday and a weekend. Alan, not working, peeks into the bar and tells the following tall tale.

It is interesting how people arrive at the names to give children. When one works in an orphanage, the problem becomes even more difficult. One young fellow from Arizona had a *very* mixed parentage. The father, a Hispanic National was a traveling salesman for one of the major insurance companies, Kemper Life, though … Read the rest...

Reza Pahlavi

by Alan B. Combs


It is easy to forget history. I know I am guilty of it. The tendency is that anything that happened before our time just doesn’t exist. We are especially guilty of not paying attention to recent history in the Middle East, that continuous inflagration of politics and warfare. I present the following as an example.

Recently, I overheard a couple of the undergraduate students talking about Modern Persia, a country which currently is under the less-than-benevolent … Read the rest...

Couch PUNtatoes (Couch PUNtatoes? It makes me quail.)

This is by Alan B. Combs


Exercise and entertainment. Entertainment and exercise. We need both, but usually these things are mutually incompatible. Exercising is not fun and entertainment turns me even more into a couch potato.

This problem is not restricted to my own experience, however. Other people have dealt with the problem and the solution varies from one person to another. For example, some close friends were involved in Korean marital (no, no, martial — typing is so *critical*) … Read the rest...

Native Dessert

By Alan B. Combs. This is my version of a much older story I have known for a *long* time.


When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, “We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake.”

“Not on your life,” announced his widow, “Squaw bury Shortcake!”… Read the rest...

Fools Scold

by Alan B. Combs

I must confess that this tale also is a tiny bit scatological, but that cannot be helped. A few folks have indicated that this may actually be desirable in such stories, but I am not completely sure that this should be a general rule. The parts you like can be credited to Ms. Scarlet, the admirable pun mistress. I am to blame for the parts you do not like. Or is it visa vera? Onward, nevertheless.… Read the rest...

Alan JacksPUN

by Alan B. Combs

Alan has been participating in several of the more serious deliberations here in alt.callahans. He decides it is time to step back and apply lubrication (or is that lugubrication?) to the punny bone.

We will all miss John Barnstead until he comes back, and when he does we will throw peanuts. I owe John, Magus, and several of the others the concept of the long story with imbedded puns and a sustained punch line. I am … Read the rest...

Shaggy Triad

by Alan B. Combs

There are two common threads in each of these three stories. First, they are about a very famous family. Second, each of these stories has a common punchline or moral. Come along with me as I tell you tales about the Stocking family.


Late in the last century, the Stocking Uncles were notorious cattle rustlers in the Chimney Hill area near Austin (frequently accompanied by an ancestor of our own Dr. Kehrer). These ne’er-do-wells were the … Read the rest...