All posts tagged Alan B. Combs

Creator of “Tarzan’s Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots” and 2003 Punster of the Year. In his spare time, Alan B. Combs is a toxicologist with the Pharmacy School of the University of Texas at Austin.

As Ye Sew, So Shall Ye Reap

By Charlotte Herzele and Alan B. Combs. This evil little tale was our submission to this year’s (2002) Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest. It did not win anything, so it was either too-badly good, or too-goodly bad — or something like that. We liked it a lot.


Perhaps the attendees would have had an inkling of their impending doom if they had only listened carefully to themselves as they cheered for Dominique and Maura Harris, their favorite participants in the Team-Stitchery … Read the rest...

And It Won’t Cut Grass!

by Alan B. Combs


I have described previously the peculiar malevolence of inanimate objects. There is very little evidence to convince me, otherwise.

For example, I had a recent run in with my lawn mower. It is a famous brand, but is very difficult to start. This, time I tried to stand over it to be able to give a mighty tug on the rope. It belched out a large flame — which got me. I am changing brands, immediately.… Read the rest...

About Spiderman

By Alan B. Combs. Yeah, there are similar punchlines, but this one is mine.


With the success of his current movie, Spiderman is starting to receive the acclaim and honor that he deserves. For a long time it was not this way. In fact, in the Spiderman ficton, many people, especially those in power, are worried about the concept of a Super Hero with spectacular powers who takes justice into his own hands. For the followers of the comic book … Read the rest...

Soliloquy for Sorry Puns

By Alan B. Combs


There are certain expectable disappointments in life. My wife deems it necessary that I mow the lawn this and nearly every weekend. She also deems it necessary that I walk the dogs every day. My doctor deems it necessary that I lose (mumble, mumble, unspecified) pounds.

If I took all those suggestions and threw them out into the back yard, it would become a field of deems.

Which reminds me — the thing that Kevin Costner … Read the rest...

Weekend Disappointment

by Alan B. Combs


Given the reality of my generally recognized lack of maturity, I must confess that I frequently do enjoy children’s weekend programming. However, I would prefer it to be educational. Sometimes, I get fooled. This last weekend for instance, I was tempted to watch an animated feature about the Capital of the Sudan in Africa. Then, it came to me that it was just another Saturday morning Khartoum show.… Read the rest...

Mini-Tox Lesson

By Alan B. Combs

These things seem to write themselves, given the wonderful help that I get.


Today was the last day of my toxicology class and I brought an article from the NY Times on-line about a potential new filler material for breast implants. We have been looking at, excuse me, studying, excuse me, I don’t have a good word, such implants all semester because of the clear sociological and toxicological inferences that can be drawn. We do very … Read the rest...

Who?

By Alan B. Combs


One of the ancient mysteries of the Old Testament has to do with the problem that if Adam and Eve were the first persons, and Cain and Able were their only children of record, where did these sons get their wives.

Maybe the problem has more to do with a faulty memory on the behalf of Adam. I can imagine a letter from Fred to Adam describing the virtues of his eligible daughters. Forgetful Adam writes … Read the rest...

A Short Megillah

A collaboration between Rose Katz (aka rosecatt) and Alan B. Combs. As of 2010, we haven’t heard from rosecatt for a couple of years. We miss her, indeed.)


Esther and Ruth were sisters rooming together in a nice Jewish resort in the Catskills called the Savoy Vacation Club. The ladies chose it because they got a kick out of the club’s nickname (everyone called it ‘The Oy Vey’ for short) and because there was always a chance that a little … Read the rest...

PUN gent story: In shy knees…

This is a very recent pun cascade started by Liquor on alt.callahans.


Liquor wanders in. He’s been seeing a lot of Mark Allread for quite a while now but can’t resist a chance to tell pungent tales again.

“I suppose I should start by describing Mark. This is a man who’s never worn shorts in his life, because he is abslotely certain that his knees are the knobbliest things ever, and that people would run in disgust if he were … Read the rest...

A Most Irritating Sports Fan

By Alan B. Combs


It is a sad time of the year for me. The weather is cold and the NFL season is winding down. In the meantime, I will deliver up all the football jock talk that I can, as often as I can, detailing the many virtues of those teams that are still in the playoff, and explaining to anyone that will listen the faults of those teams that have earned their early vacations. I tend to think … Read the rest...

On the Sea of Cortez

By Alan B. Combs


Between Baja California and the mainland of Mexico runs the almost unbearably beautiful Sea of Cortez. Blue, deep, with giant turtles, whales, and extraordinary game fishing, it is a tourist paradise.. It was in a time much nearer my youth that my parents took us for a week of vacation and fishing at La Paz, in Baja. It was in the midst of my pharmacy schooling and the contrast was wonderful. I have many happy memories … Read the rest...

George and Ira at The Music Festival

By Alan B. Combs


The Gershwin brothers, George and Ira, recently visited a town where Puff Daddy Combs (now Diddly Poo, or something like that), Eminem, and the late Tupac Shakur were headlining a local music festival. Early in the morning, a beautiful azure haze covered everything. Thus inspired, they came up with the perfect name for the place — Rap City in Blue.… Read the rest...

Ranch Style Beans

Another lame offering by Alan B. Combs


The Russian premier is visiting with our President this week. They have been showing him the country pleasures of Crawford, TX, and the undeniable excellence of Texas cuisine.

While developing the food menu, however, the planners were a little worried about whether they should serve Ranch Style (boracho) beans at the meal. After all, he was already Putin.… Read the rest...

At the Oscars…

By Alan B. Combs


I was channel surfing last night and came across the latest character in children’s programming. This was an irascible, churly fellow who lives in a trashcan. His day job was to hold kitchen and bathroom tiles together and prevent water leaks. They called him Oscar the Grout.… Read the rest...

A Modest Business Proposal

By Alan B. Combs


As you probably know, I reside in a university town. This has its certain attractions and distractions. Around our university there are many copy shops, the primary one of which is Kinko’s. Certain of these establishments are open twenty-four hours a day.

I have been negotiating with the management of a local shop. I propose to provide an herbal wonder drug, one that according to other purveyors, “may help improve blood supply to the brain, increase … Read the rest...

Lamentations for a Fall Semester

By Alan B. Combs


I say this every Fall, but every Fall it is true. I have never had a busier time. With regular lectures, guest lectures all over campus, laboratories, and the coordination of these activities, I am running around, exhausted.

Truly, this semester, I am going hither, thither, and yawn.… Read the rest...

Pulmon Aire

By Alan B. Combs


Harvey was not a shining example to others. He played the game of life as if the cliche were true that the one who died with the most toys was the winner. Electronics, high fidelity equipment, performance automobiles, trips to exotic places, Harvey was into them all, spending his inheritance lavishly.

It could not continue forever, however, and his life finally caught up with him. On a trip to a certain country not well known for … Read the rest...

Historical Confusion: A Tall Tale

By Alan B. Combs


Some times it is altogether too difficult to gain the recognition for which one is due. This sad state of affairs can be exemplified by the following misadventure.

In a nameless land long ago and far away, the people were terrorized by a terrible scourge, the Gordian Dragon. In contrast to what we have learned about such creatures, this was not a fire-breathing dragon, but, perhaps, in some ways he was worse. He was a Sneezing … Read the rest...

At the Macintosh Meeting…

Last night was our monthly Macintosh enthusiast meeting and I provided part of the program. What I demonstrated was a voice recognition system called ViaVoice by IBM. The idea is that you speak into it and it types the text as you say it. The program is a specialist, rather than a generalist and it creates a large file of your voice and how you say words. The more you use it and train it, the better it works. I … Read the rest...

About Red Hair…

By Alan B. Combs


This tale was told to us in an organic chemistry class while I was an undergraduate in the 60s, so I cannot claim original credit for it. The lecture was about amino-acids and their structures. In passing, the prof told us that red-heads have a lot more of the amino-acid cysteine in their hair than do folks with other hair colors. Thus, he said that his fellow male graduate students called a rather virginal, aloof, red-haired … Read the rest...

Avoiding The Hunters

By Alan B. Combs


“We are having severe problems with the hunters, this year”, the rabbits complained. The pheasants agreed and the bob white quailed.

“That’s nothing compared to what happens in deer season”, added the valiant hart while beating through the bushes. “Every time we turn around, someone gets shot. And you can no longer trust the sound of rattling antlers for a good old country fight.”

“We’re becoming decimated and we’re not even edible!” came the traditional lament … Read the rest...

Medieval I.T.

By Alan B. Combs


The Information Technology (I.T.) specialists of the Middle Ages were in many ways not unlike their counterparts of today. A perceived shady operation, minimal respect, even less pay, and unceasing demands for new services — these were the way of life, then and now. It was a noble endeavor, however, the creation and transfer of information where before there was none. The major difference between the modern and the ancient specialists were their sites of operation. … Read the rest...

Middle Eastern Food in San Francisco

By Alan B. Combs, John Barnstead, and rosecatt.


A Persian family escaped the persecutions in Iran and emigrated to San Francisco. The one thing the family knew best was the restaurant business. They decided to open a restaurant featuring Middle-Eastern cuisine. Now, the restaurant was located in one of those parts of San Francisco not well known for its hetero clientele. Wanting to indicate a willingness to serve these customers, but not wanting to alienate others, they decided to put … Read the rest...

Chancy Games

By Alan B. Combs. The pun is good. I just wish it were not the truth.


Interstate 35 runs directly through Austin. This highway is particularly dangerous during the morning and evening rush hours, in between, before, and after. Jackknifed rigs and other serious accidents that tie up traffic for hours are a daily occurrence. Our other main arteries are getting to be as bad. The odds against winning the State Game of Chance are about 25 million to one. … Read the rest...

Job Recommendation

By Alan B. Combs


In some economic climates, any job is a good job. Robert’s job was shoveling out the cattle corral at an Iowa feedlot. Now, this might not seem to be very desirable work, but it is honest, aerobic in nature (when you dare to breathe), and job security is good as long as people can afford to eat beef. Bob considered himself lucky to be employed.

However, there is a cycle to all things and a time … Read the rest...