All posts tagged Alan B. Combs

Creator of “Tarzan’s Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots” and 2003 Punster of the Year. In his spare time, Alan B. Combs is a toxicologist with the Pharmacy School of the University of Texas at Austin.


Some random thoughts by Alan B. Combs.

Realizing it is one of the really dangerous things one can do, I still have always liked motorcycles. Back when I was young and slightly more in my prime, I rode a twin-cylinder Honda. My rule was that I would never ride a bike larger than I could upright if it ever fell over. For various reasons, I have walked away from the beasts, but I still love ‘em.

Next, you should understand … Read the rest...

Christmas Unnerving

This Holiday poem is by my Dad, Alan B. Combs.

Bulwer Lytton (Combs’ Losing Entry, 2012)

Once again, through what can only be gross discrimination or uncommon good taste (pun intended), this wonderful entry fell flat. Well, there’s always next year.

The thought that the world contains so many transgressors and so few reformers trying to put an end to their evil haunted the preacher as he tried to save those wretched cunnilinguists from their preferred depravity by alluding to their theological doom in his sermon, “Insinuate.”

Read the rest...

How Bikers Ride

By Alan B. Combs.

I have been thinking about how to develop this tale for over a year or so. A couple of weekends ago, the Republic of Texas Rally (aka the ROT Rally) had its annual meeting in Austin. The press has estimated that there were between 40,000 to 50,000 bikers in town. They were well-behaved and enhanced the economy and the sales of ear plugs.

It does seem to me that there are three ways that folks ride … Read the rest...


Here’s an original by Alan B. Combs.

Wisdom for New Chemists - Mole - MicromoleRead the rest...

New Dictionary

A pun-cascade from several of the usual suspects at P.U.N.Y. currently is advertising their new students’ dictionary
full of erroneous information: Flunk and Wagnalls.


There’s a new word compendium aimed directly at the homeless
community. It’s called the “Under-a-bridge Dictionary.”


I’ve always enjoyed thumbing through specialized dictionaries, but it bugs
me that I can’t find one on entomology.

What famous dictionary publishing house is patronized by NBA players?



A woman who wants to avoid a … Read the rest...

Something in My Stocking

This came to me while I was waiting for her to do her shopping. By Alan B. Combs

My wife went shopping for Christmas at one of our local chain department stores. I can’t say I’ve really been a good boy. I can’t even say I’ve tried very hard. Thus, I am pretty much assured of getting Kohl’s in my stocking.… Read the rest...

Roast for the 2010 Punster of the Year

Steve Brooks was the Punster of the Year (P.O.T.Y.) for 2010. He is a hard person to roast, but here was my contribution, given nearly a year ago.
By Alan B. Combs

In honor of Steve Brooks.

Gentleman Punster, out on a spree,
Punning from Here to Eternity,
Lord, have mercy on such as he.
Bah, Bah, Bah.

One of the punsters at this meeting, Jim Ertner, writes books about animal puns, jokes, and riddles. To add to his collection, … Read the rest...

Problem with a New Motorcycle

By Alan B. Combs

One of my students was showing me his new motorcycle. It had a decently large engine, and it was highly decorated in a modern style. The theme of the bike was the Polynesian deity, Kaili-Moku-Moku who was in a recumbent position.

My student fired up the cycle, and it would run for a few seconds, then die. He did this several times and I finally figured out what was going wrong. His idol was just too … Read the rest...


by Alan B. Combs

It has come to me after conversation with certain members of the PUNY listserv that insomnia is a dysZZZZs.… Read the rest...

Not in Kansas, Anymore, ….

By Alan B. Combs. Blame him.

Read the rest...

Cosmetic Surgery

This quickie was prompted by a query from Stan Kegel.

Mary was a happy lamb, with fleece as white as snow. But as she got older, she became more and more depressed because of an increasingly objectionable cosmetic defect in her ears. They were becoming more and more Droopy (can you imagine dog-like ears?).

Finally, Mary discovered the way Doberman Pinschesr had their ears trained to stand up, instead of drooping. This treatment occasionally includes surgery and taping the ears … Read the rest...

A Cheesy Business

A seasonal tale by Alan B. Combs.

Fred was a hard-working artisan who had tried producing many different styles of cheese. Most of these ended in failure. He started with brie, but the result was too breezy.. His Swiss was unholy and his cheddar was very dull. Even his processed American Cheese Product was altogether too real.

At last it came to him that his problem was a matter of proper timing. His most successful effort worked when the cheese … Read the rest...

How It All Turned Out (Long)

By Alan B. Combs. I have several times commented that I work in the Stadium Office during U. Texas home football games for minimum wage and the war stories. This is one of my favorites.

In November 2001 I posted the following tale (alt.callahans) about my nomination for the annual Darwin Awards. Several folks corrected me in that the perp actually survived the episode, and therefore, by definition, was not eligible.

The Daily Fishwrapper posted the results from the trial. … Read the rest...

Star Wars Day next Tuesday?

By Alan B. Combs

A very dear friend reminded me that we should celebrate Star Wars Day next Tuesday.

I suggested that we might possibly do this by curling up with our favorite nookie.… Read the rest...

Tropical Storm

From Lowrie and Alan.

Tropical Storm Beryl was the third tropical storm of the 2006 Atlantic hurricane season.

Upon hearing the news, Lowrie remarked, “What??? Our coast is imberylled?!? Panic!”

I responded, “I see there is a tropical storm off the coast of the Carolinas. I guess it’s their turn in the Beryl.”… Read the rest...

Studying Bathrooms and Loos

By Alan B. Combs

It seems to me it take a lot of status to aspire to this job. In fact, one should be the head scientist.… Read the rest...

Bilingual Riddle

By Alan B. Combs

In my family, I get lots of opportunities for these things.

What is that cheese delicacy that Hispanics serve mainly on the day honoring their beloved dead?

Quesadilla de los muertos.… Read the rest...

Signs of the Times

A pun cascade perpetrated to PUNY.

The NY Times indicates that an increase in the number of vasectomies correlates with the recessions.

I guess in this economy, all of us have had to cut some things out.


I am quite distressed by the levity on this topic; it cuts me to the quick.

Joseph Harris

Male sterilization makes a vast difference for the better. If you don’t see the pun, you need to Google the subject and graze … Read the rest...

One day in Anaheim

By Alan B. Combs

A month ago, we stayed a few days in Anaheim visiting relatives and the ancient ancestral home of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I found that I had to sit down a lot and that eventually my backside became numb. So, as it turned out, I was the perfect candidate to visit Sleeping Booty’s Castle.… Read the rest...

Variations on “The Eyes of Texas”

This was my presentation for the 2008 O. Henry Punoff. It has been evolving over several years. I liked it. The judges didn’t, not at all.

Here at The University, the school song is “The Eyes of Texas.” It is vaguely reminiscent of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”, but with much deeper meaning and sincerity, of course.

My schtick works pretty well as an audience participation Call-and-Answer. I suggest the premise for the variant, and the audience comes back … Read the rest...

Older Than Dirt

The first part came from Shayne Gad.  I proposed the second part.  (Shayne says I am Jurassic Dirt, BTW.)  Stan Kegel added the third part.

I’m older than dirt.

Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?’

‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him.  ‘All the food was slow.’

‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’

‘It was a place called ‘at home,” I explained! ‘Mum cooked … Read the rest...


by Alan B. Combs

What did the New Yorker (think the movie Cousin Vinnie) call the inexperienced and immature young brave coming from the state directly north of Arizona?

A callow yoot.… Read the rest...

Translational Difficulties

By Alan B. Combs

I have always felt that being a little hard of hearing enhances the creation of puns. My wife indicates that this is happening more and more these days, but I digress. There also can be cross-language mistakes that can lead to misunderstandings. Indeed, my niece from Honduras is applying to a four-year university and I am a sponsor. She is going into nursing, a field with great potential as a helpful occupation with job security.

In … Read the rest...

The Salad Bar You Really Do Not Want to Go to.

By Alan B. Combs

Deep in Central Austin where the Yuppies hang out is a tofu and salad bar you really do not want to go to. At this establishment, they feature Wedgie Salad.… Read the rest...