Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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String Theory (A Naughty Solution)

Category: Rated G

I first heard this story from Carl Erickson. It is an old classic, a sad tale of discrimination and deception.


Two strings went bar hopping one evening. However, they had wandered into a part of town that didn’t cotton to strings very much, and they had a hard time getting served. They would go into a bar and order beers. The bartender would look at them and say, “We don’t serve strings around here!”, and would throw them out.

This happened over and over, again. Finally, they decided to separate, so that they might be less recognizable. The first string went in to face the suspicion of the bartender. The bartender asked, “Aren’t you a string?”. The first string stammered and stuttered, and ended up in the street.

Then, the second string tried his luck. Again, the bartender looked closely and asked, “Say, aren’t you a string?”.

The answer came, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”.


Stan Kegel posted the following variants to the frayed knot yarn on the groaners list serv.

A barge was floating along at sea. Ahead of it was a cruise ship. The cruise ship asked the barge, “Hey, are you the Love Boat?” to which the barge replied, . . . “No, I’m a freight yacht.”

Three pecans went into a bar that only served to peanuts. As the first pecan approached the bar, the bartender said, “What are you, a pecan? We don’t serve pecans here, only peanuts.” So the pecan left. The second pecan tried the same thing and was also turned away. The third pecan got an idea. He went outside and threw himself on a barbecue and rolled around in the coals. He returned to the bar and approached the bartender who asked, “Hey, aren’t you one of those pecans?” To which he replied, . . . “No, I’m a fried nut.

A lady’s pen exploded and a large splat of black ink got on her blouse. After many bleachings and washings, the stain had faded but showed no signs of coming out altogether. She exclaimed one day, “You are a pain!” To which the stain replied, . . . “No, I’m a grey blot.”

There was once a magical kingdom where the princess of the castle was turned into a small amphibian by an evil witch. She was held prisoner by the witch for many years, until one day a handsome prince rescued her from the witch’s cottage in the woods. The prince asked, Excuse me ma’am, but are you the princess that was turned into a salamander and that I have now released?” “Yes, ” she replied, . . . “now I’m a freed newt.”

An overloaded logic inverter suddenly went up in a puff of smoke. “Are you O.K.?” asked someone . . . “No, I’m a fried NOT!”

A jungle explorer was sitting in the woods when a bizarre insect landed on his arm. The tiny insect sported a goatee and a little bitty pipe which blew itty bitty smoke rings. It began to tell the neighboring insects as to the analysys of dreams. “Heavens!” exclaimed the explorer, “are you a new species?” To which the creature replied, . . . “No, I’m a Freud gnat.”

A ignorant fool posted some anti-homosexual blathering over all the newsgroups on USENET. For months, the verbal flames soared and the poor homophobe had to unsubscribe to most of them. One day FIDONET happened by and looked at the weary USENET. “You look pretty bad. Are you O.K?” . . . The weary network replied, . . . “No, I’m a fried net.”

The president of the Flintstone’s Fan Club walked into a bar. The bartender, recognizing the man but not quite remembering from where, asked, “Say, aren’t you the guy that’s so crazy about watching the Jetsons?” “No,” he replied, . . . “I’m a Fred nut.”

There once was a leprechaun fascinated by insects, which he caged and kept as pets. There were hunderds of the cages througout his home, each containing a single insect. As it happened one day, he had forgotten to close the window while cleaning the cage of one of the smaller insects, and it escaped. The little bug was enjoying its new found capability of unhindered flight when it chanced upon a gnome who recognized it as his friend’s pet. “Are you on your way home, little one?” the gnome asked. . . . “No,” was the reply. “I’m a freed gnat.” (By Gilbert Krebs)

And finally:

A Net addict was driving along in his beat-up old Toyota. He was so addicted to the net that he had a laptop connected to the net via a cellular phone in his car. He was so busy reading the jokes in and that he failed to notice that he was low on gas. Suddenly, in the country he ran out of gas.

He pondered his dilemma briefly before he started walking, looking for a gas station. At one juncture, he decided to cross a farmer’s field. Halfway across the field, he encountered a gigantic pig. He was a little worried because of the size of the pig, but he tried to carry on nonchalantly.

Just as he began to pass the pig, to his amazement, the pig began to speak:

“Aren’t you going to pay the toll for crossing this field?” the pig asked the Net addict.

“No,” responded the Net addict. “I’m a frayed knot. Are you going to attack me for not paying the toll?”

“Well, yes,” replied the pig, “I’m a feared sow.”

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