Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Spies of Life

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G

This is one of the better ones. It is by Ted Brett from his book “Don’t Book a Judge by His Cover”. It was posted to the groaners listserv.


During the most intensive days of the cold war, the Central Intelligence Agency undertook a recruitment drive to booster its ranks and try to rectify the Soviet intelligence advantages.

During the initial interviews, two candidates appeared particularly promising. Wayne and Amber were a brother and sister team. Although their fervor and patriotism could not be denied and their aptitude for spying was peerless, their one flaw was their inability to get along with each other. Rarely did a moment go by when they weren’t arguing, bickering or insulting each other.

As unorthodox as this behavior may have been, they were admitted to the CIA’s training program and both excelled in all of their training. However, throughout their training they were constantly arguing and screaming at each other.

Their first assignment was to infiltrate a groop of Soviet agents who were using Washington’s nightclubs and restaurants as meeting places to plan their activities. Wayne and Amber had to become familiar with the coming and going of these restaurant patrons.

One night they had to visit five restaurants in a row. In order to protect their covers, they had to fit in with the restaurant crowd; that meant drinking and dining as legitimate patrons at these elegant eating establishments. As they went from restaurant to restaurant, they argued, bickered and screamed at each other, all the while eating full meals and drinking their fill.

Because this was their first assignment, they were observed by a couple of CIA veterans. The observers were amazed by their huge appetites but did witness their arguing. One observer turned to the other and said observantly, … “They’re dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Wayne.”

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