Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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SOCKrates (Cynthia MacGregor’s 1999 PunOff Entry)

Category: Gatling Puns, Rated PG-13

While not a winning routine, Cynthia MacGregor and her hand puppet SOCKrates were among the favorites of the crowd in 1999 at the 21st Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships. This was Cynthia’s first competition. Cynthia says, “I was working with a sock puppet. (And, as one of the judges wrote on a sheet she held up for the crowd to read afterward, SHE NEVER MOVED HER LIPS). The routine was a dialogue between me and the sock puppet.”


I’m taking a survey. Would you be willing to answer some questions? (read from a clipboard as if this was a survey while holding a tape recorder)

What’s your name?

SOCKrates.

What’s your occupation?

I’m a SOCKretary.

Can you make much money as a secretary?

Well, I also play the SOCK market.

You don’t find many male secretaries . . . you’re not confused about your gender, are you?

No, my daddy told me all about SOCKSuality back when I was just a little bootie.

And when you get together with a stocking . . . ?

Oh, I always practice safe SOCKS!

What’s your favorite food?

SOCKotash. Or some nice SOCKulent SOCKiaki.

Then how do you feel about airplane food?

It SOCKS.

What do you want out of life?

SOCKcess

What’s your favorite sport?

SOCKcer.

What’s your favorite book?

AeSOCKS Fables

Oooh–what’s that I smell?

The mosquitoes are biting. I’m wearing inSOCKticide.

What’s your favorite piece of furniture, SOCKrates?

My SOCKtional sofa.

What’s your religious affiliation?

I worship at a non-SOCKtarian church.

What’s your ethnic background, SOCKrates?

On my dad’s side, we go back to the Angles and the SOCKxons.
My mom’s mother’s folks were Russian CosSOCKS.
Her dad’s folks came from SOCKholm.

What’s the worst experience you ever had?

I came home one day to find my house had been ranSOCKed.

Pretty bad, huh?

Well, I don’t enjoy unpleasantness . . .
What do you think I am, a maSOCKist?!

I don’t suppose I need to ask you this last question, your favorite musical instrument. I can guess. It’s the SOCKsophone, right?

No, I really prefer the cello.

I didn’t ask you about your favorite dessert!

I’m not wearing a shirt!

Have you had your hearing checked?

I’m not Czech; I told you,
I’m English, Russian, and Swedish.

You’re Finnish! You’re outta here! C’mon.

Is this what you call a SOCKo ending?

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