Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Shakes Hands with the Head of the Household

Category: Gatling Puns, Rated PG, Shaggy Dogs

This shaggy story was submitted by Dave Wallace. In his email, he said he should feel sorry for it, but I don’t think he is.


Little Tommy stomped loudly into the kitchen & yelled at the top of his voice “GOTTA PISS!”. Arthur Sydney’s mother, Arthur Sydney, and Little Susie (with eyes like saucers) were agog at Little Tommie’s language. “LITTLE TOMMIE”, yelled Sydney’s mother, “YOU MUST NEVER SAY THAT WORD
AGAIN!”

Well, Little Tommy, and Little Susie went on to fame with their own panopoly of Little Tommy/Little Susie jokes. Such as the classic – when Little Tommy & Little Susie disrobed to cross a creek – Can I touch it, she said – NO! Little Tommie replied – You already snapped yours’ off!

Arthur Sydney, however, was permanently marked by that occasion, and never uttered that word again for the rest of his life. In fact he became enamored by all the euphemisms for micturation and urination and actually made a reputation for himself in high school for “Draining the Lizard”, “Pointing Percy at the Porcelain”, and many, many other euphemisms.

When it came time for A. Sydney (as he called himself after high school) to earn a real living in the real world, he became a local hero in the stand-up comedy genre. Unlike Carlin, he refused to call a something a something and garnered a local following. His audience loved “Take a Slash”, “See a Man About a Horse”, “Making Yellow Snow”, “Undrink this morning’s Juice”, “Gotta Return the Beer I Rented This Evening”, and “Shake the Dew off the Lily”.

However, there was another, more physical side to that traumatic moment as a child. Syd found that he could only “Siphon the Python” or “Pump Ship” during night-time hours – he could never “Break The Seal” or “Check out the Hamsters Whirlpool Bath”, or “Drain the Trouser Snake” or
“Have the River Run Through” during the day! However, his girlfriend could “Bail the Canoe” anytime she needed to.

The next stage in A. Sydney’s career was playing masked characters in street parades. Not a true actor, but a very sought-after mummer in Philadelphia. Truth be told, he was very popular as a float driver, because he never needed to stop to “Strain the Potatoes” or “Drown a Pommie” or “Shake Hands With an Old Friend”!

Eventually A. Sid (as he called himself by this time) became a playwright and wrote some very successful Off-Broadway plays, which depended rather heavily on the old peeing euphemisms – “The Urinal of the Opera”/”The Whiz”/”Piddler on the Roof”/”The Producers”/”Peespray”/”Cats Pray”/”How to Succeed in Business Without Really Peeing”/”La Cage aux Pissoir”/”The Best Little Pisser in Texas”/Les Piss√©rables”/”Guys and Dolls Do It Differently” and his crowning glory, “Sir Pissalot”.

Finally, being wildly successful, A. Sid sought medical relief for his unique condition. His doctor, puzzled by this strange and unique syndrome, referred Sid to a trick cyclist (psychiatrist).

The psychiatrist, who had not only known of Sid’s plays, but attended all of the performances, was awe-struck by his new referral.

“Sid”, he said, “May I call you Sid”? – would you like to participate in a learned scientific paper about your unique condition?”

“No”, said Sid, “It’s kinda embarrassing!”

“But it might be framed in the context of a play. So what would you you name it”, opined the learned trick cyclist. “Would it be a tragedy?”

“No”, said A. Sid. “More like a seasonal comedy, with a play within a play.”

Said the learned psychiatrist, “How about ‘A. Sid Mummer’s Night Stream’?”

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