Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Shaggy Forrest Gump

Category: Rated G

I received this shaggy tale from Mel Lett. It is dedicated to my No. 1 son whose Anniversary was a few days ago.


The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, “Well Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here, St.Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions:

  1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
  2. How many seconds are there in a year?
  3. What is God’s first name?”

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but…you do have a point, though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

Forrest replied, “Andy.”

“OK, OK,” said a frustrated St..Peter, “I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“That was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learned it from the Sunday School song…

‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN'”.

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