Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Sex and the Modern Vampire

Category: Rated PG-13

This recycled humor was posted by dennyw on alt.callahans.


THE PROS AND CONS OF DATING A VAMPIRE

Pro:

Long relationships

Allowed to stay out late

Easy weight loss

Centuries of experience

Immune to all venereal diseases

Always has amazing stamina

Loves neck nibbling

Rarely interested in arguing religion

Never comes home with garlic breath

Don’t have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.

Con:

Spend your time in a hypnotic daze

Parents can be hell

You always feel tired (loss of blood)

Oral sex can be lethal

Always has cold feet (and blood)

Never able to spend the day in bed

Pet names that give you chills

Strange friends

Giggles at funerals

Hard to win an argument

No romantic sunsets

May forget own strength during orgasm

THE TOP 15 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES:

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, “Look Ma! It’s Elvis!”

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

09. After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.

08. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

07. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

06. No warm blood for miles around DC.

05. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

04. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

03. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized “hardbodies.”

02. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

01. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.*


*See http://www.keithrichards.com/, if you dare.

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