“R”s Are Our Art — Bob Dvorak’s 2004 Punoff Entry

A first time participant in the Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships, Robert Dvorak earned 28 points for this routine in the 2004 Punniest of Show competition. Read it out loud to really get into it.


We’ve been PO’ed and teed off. Now I get ‘IRED to do some puns.

In Iraq, they’ve reformed Saddam’s regiment. Not that they’re held in high REGUARD. Every time the wind stirs things up over there they sing STIRDUST. And you remember Shock and Awe the sky was shakin’, not STARRED.

Remember Al Bundy? He was MARRED with Children. And the cute daughter? He put her in TV ads and ADMARRED her. The adults were substandard and adequate MAR and PAR.

A TOBACCO farmer planted in T’BACCOYARD. His garden burned up left only CHARD. He stood out there for weeks REGARDEN it.

A paper mill burned down, too. Messed up everyone’s REQUARMENTS. The local churches sent over a few QWARS but ‘twaren’t enough.

In Russia, you screw up like that, you’re FARRED as far as Siberia.

Of course, the manager of the Globe only took material from Shakespeare one play piece at a time NO WHOLES BARD.

Speaking of Shakespeare Henry the Eighth was so fat even before he was king he was still REFARRED to as LARD OF THE MANUR.

Speaking of bad guys, Popeye punched one out. Swinging, by the HARD ARM.

Better than being INTARRED at LaBrea.

This sport of punning is like boxing, not wrestling NOHOLD, SPARRED.

Or maybe bad golf NO HOLES PARRED.

Do it like poker. Keep dat ace and t’row DIS CARD.

A man and four women arranged for a limo to bring them into town every day from Round Rock. One day they got caught for hours on the Interstate. He amused the women in the meantime A CAR DELAYED IS A CARPOOL LAID.

Thank y’all and now I’ll go BARRIBE the judges.

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