Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Rock On

Category: Gatling Puns, Rated G

By Alan B. Combs. This was my entry in the 26th Annual O. Henry PunOffs in May 2003. I did much better this year, but the winners were just superb!


Most of you have probably heard of the wrestler-turned-movie-actor known as The Rock. This is the tragic tale about his trying to become a physician.

This was his ambition, this powerful drive to become a doctor because as a youth he was on emergency DYE-ALYSIS — which turned him a bright red. Because Rock was using this machine, a young physician, who also needed it, died. Because of this death, Rock felt deep MORSE — over and over again. The RE-MORSE nearly killed him. He decided to make it up to society by becoming a doctor, himself.

In his attempts, he suffered from much bad advice — advice that in the end prevented him from ever achieving his consuming desire.

A contractor told him the office furniture needed to lean back on would be very expensive, especially the RECUMBENT-SEAT. Another person told him never to get down in the pushup position — because he would be PRONE to make mistakes. A friend told him he could be a long bone surgeon — if only he would keep to the STRAIGHT and MARROW. He became discouraged when told that during classes in eye anatomy, he would have to study ORBITS — he didn’t want to be a rocket scientist. Nor, did he want to learn about the NASAL TURBINAIRES — he didn’t want to work in a power plant.

And medicines? They told him about those drugs derived from sick horse skin — MADE OF GLANDERS.

In all this paralysis of analysis and worry, Rock grew old. His many children, natural and adopted, decided to make a movie of his life. The movie starred ROCK’S BLOOD SON, and two reformed hookers, AGNES MORE HEAD, and JANE WHY?, MAN. Together they were able to film the story of his MAGNIFICENT OPRESSION.

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