Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

William Penn

Category: Rated G

The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up until all the people in Quakertown were talking about those pie-rates of Penn’s aunts.… Read the rest...

Hoary Shaggy Dog

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated PG-13, Shaggy Dogs

This is a completely different story leading to a similar punchline as one of the feghoots in this collection.

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began … Read the rest...

Asimov Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

This shaggy dog was written by Isaac Asimov.

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.

When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the … Read the rest...

The Olympic Eskimo

Category: Rated G

One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. The trouble was that he just kept getting in the way of the other skiiers. At first I couldn’t believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian!… Read the rest...

The Snail who Bought a Car

Category: Puns, Rated G

There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he learned that his uncle had died and left him a large amount of money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a race car, souped it up, and then painted large red letter S’s all over it.

When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked why he had painted his car that way. “Simple,” the snail replied. “When … Read the rest...

Darius the Mede

Category: Rated G

Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius, mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede. Some of those present took the different view that Darius was actually from Persia. Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, “Let’s not argue this! After all, one man’s Mede is another man’s Persian.”… Read the rest...

The General’s Funeral

Category: Rated G

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, “The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn”.… Read the rest...

The Story of the Silent Monks

Category: Rated G

Thanks to Revdave6 (AOL) whose critique greatly helped this story.

There is a monastery near Aspen, Colorado, called Snowmass. All the monks have taken a vow of silence. They rarely speak. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot comes in and chants, “Good morning.”

The monks chant in reply, “Good morning.”

They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, “Good evening.”

The monks all reply in … Read the rest...

The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1994

Category: Gatling Puns, News, Puns

Puns voted by the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation to be the ten best stressed puns posted in the Pundit’s pages in 1994.

Maurie Cook of the TV show Sugar and Spice signs off this way: “Well, it looks like my thyme’s up. I’d like to thank Basil my producer, Rosemary my technical adviser and Ginger my director. Tune in turmeric for another kitchen caper. Dill we meet again, have a spice day.”

Attorney Balderson and Wanda … Read the rest...

The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1993

Category: News, Puns

Puns voted by the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation to be the ten best stressed puns posted in the Pundit’s pages in 1993.

All but lost in the holiday was the story of a Chicago art dealer who was transporting some valuable paintings to customers when his truck shot off the Michigan Avenue bridge and fell into the Chicago river.

Questioned later by the police, the dealer observed philosophically, “I hated Toulouse-Lautrec, but that’s the way the … Read the rest...