Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Shaggy Basketball

Category: Rated G

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, previously of the Los Angeles Lakers, was one of the best basketball players in the NBA. While he is still with us, an enterprising biotechnology company recently took some of his cells to be grown into another great basketball player. The cells are stored away awaiting the necessary advances in human biotechnology. At that time they will be thawed out, but until then they will be kept frozen — an iced Kareem clone.… Read the rest...

Another with Feathers

Category: Rated G

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?) Finally the trainer goosed him — and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers.

Yep! That’s what he gets for snorting quack.… Read the rest...

Fowl Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

The author of this tale is not known. The story has been all over the internet and can be found in many of the traditional humor sites.

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to moult, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that… Read the rest...

Mars Colonization

Category: Rated G

This tale is by Spider Robinson. It was originally published in Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon (1976 Ace paperback, now in 2000 Tor paperback), and was reprinted in The Callahan Chronicals (1999 Tor trade paperback).

In the year 2744 a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it… Read the rest...

Feathered Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

Generally, I find that people do not have a great deal of respect for the beneficial effects of poultry in our society. This is a shame, because we could go on and on about our feathered friends and what they have done for us. For example, during the American revolution, the colonists used hens to sniff out red-coat sympathizers. Thus, was born chicken cacciatore.

PaTRICK HeSTER replied to this story with the following source information.


This was ripped

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Caesar the Bull

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found a buyer for his oldest bull Caesar. This new owner happened to be the rancher’s closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the valley accross the river.

“Men,” the rancher said to his cowhands, “It’s time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river”. So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river.

They were about to put … Read the rest...

The Weevils

Category: Rated G

There were once two weevils living in the country together. One day, they were talking about life, and decided to do something about their miserable existences. So they made a bet: they would return in a year’s time, and compare who’d made a better life for himself.

A year passed. They returned. One had become a legal aid, working in the insect courts of England (as an earwig). The other was still flipping dung-balls at Mc(Farmer)Donalds. The second, obviously having … Read the rest...

Company Picnic

Category: Rated G

We have not been able to locate the source of this story.

A company was having its annual picnic at a local park. There were games, lots of food, and swimming at the beach. The weather was hot and sunny. It seemed that all of the ingredients were there for a wonderful day.

Alas, it was not to be. A large number of people got sick. They seemed fine for a while, but soon they began to get dizzy and … Read the rest...

William Penn

Category: Rated G

The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up until all the people in Quakertown were talking about those pie-rates of Penn’s aunts.… Read the rest...

Hoary Shaggy Dog

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated PG-13, Shaggy Dogs

This is a completely different story leading to a similar punchline as one of the feghoots in this collection.

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began … Read the rest...