Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Shaggy Joe Friday

Category: Rated G

It seems that the LAPD just got on the internet. Chosen to coordinate this feat was none other than Sgt. Joe Friday. After one week he had to give a presentation explaining Usenet to all the officers. At the presentation, one woman stated, “You seem to know so much about this stuff, Joe. Did you really read all those postings?”

To which he replied: “Just the FAQs, Ma’am.”… Read the rest...

Sitting Bull

Category: Rated G

Many (!) versions of this old saw exist, including one in “Bred Any Good Rooks Lately?”

Sitting Bull had three wives who were always quarreling about who among them should be Number One. One was pretty, one was clever, and one was very strong. Finally, tired of their squabbles, he tells his medicine man to resolve the issue. The medicine man took the wives to his teepee where he had gathered pelts and hides from all over the world. He… Read the rest...

Shaggy Horse

Category: Rated G

We do not know the original source of this stories, but variants are boutiful.

An officer in the New York Mounted Police always paused his horse to rest in the same place every day. One fellah got in the habit of having a donut for the horse when he stopped. One day he offered the horse a donut, and the horse bit him. “Hey!” yelled the guy. “He never did that before!” “Oh, sorry,” said the policeman. “I forgot to… Read the rest...

Shaggy Holstein

Category: Rated G

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It was in one ear and out the udder.… Read the rest...

African Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

An African nation was well known for mining large amounts of various, expensive, green gemstones. By not paying attention to the realities of the marketplace, however, they frequently made the mistake of overproduction. The problem then arose — what to do with the excess stones? On one occasion, the surplus stones were used to pave the road around a high school athletic field. This became known as the “Track of all Jades”… Read the rest...

Shaggy Historical Site

Category: Rated G

This has been attributed to Bennett Cerf. Many variants exist.

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included in a Federal Park (true!). The problem was what to do with the other mills, and how to attract more tourists to the area. One bright young marketeer pointed out that Germans like to travel with their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. Why not make… Read the rest...

Shaggy Seasonal

Category: Rated G

A couple was dining at a fancy restaurant, and was most impressed with the broccoli with hollendaise sauce. They succeeded in coaxing the chef to their table to wax eloquent, and to beg for the recipe. Finally, he relented, “Madame, Monsieur, it is so simple. Make sure zee ingredients are FRESH. Zee broccoli should be just so. ….”, and on and on he went. Finally, he emphasized, “…And zee most important thing of all, you MUST serve zee sauce on … Read the rest...

Hopeful Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G

Did you notice recently when the newspapers described the somewhat clandestine attempts by Bill Clinton, Bob Hope, and Al Gore to enhance conservation and environmental awareness by forcing the U.S. military to devise a way to make bras out of old armored vehicles (swords into plowshare sort of thing). The code name for this effort was, of course, “Tanks for the Mammaries”.… Read the rest...

Soviet Shaggy Dog

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

Prior to the breakup of the Soviet Union, my wife and I had an opportunity to visit Moscow. It is a beautiful city with friendly people, all eager to help us enjoy our visit, including Rudolph Karnekov, the personal guide assigned to us by the concierge of our hotel. Moscow-born and bred and a former membr of the Politburo, Rudy was very knowledgeable about the city and every aspect of Russian life, as well. We spent every moment possible out … Read the rest...

Shaggy Basketball

Category: Rated G

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, previously of the Los Angeles Lakers, was one of the best basketball players in the NBA. While he is still with us, an enterprising biotechnology company recently took some of his cells to be grown into another great basketball player. The cells are stored away awaiting the necessary advances in human biotechnology. At that time they will be thawed out, but until then they will be kept frozen — an iced Kareem clone.… Read the rest...