Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Nobody’s Business But the Turks’

Category: Rated G

There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with her intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother caught them. After about twenty times, the daughter began to get desperate, when at random, she read about an animal activist who would paint bulls in order to camouflage them, then let them escape.

However, when the daughter called up the activist, he told her, “I stain bulls, not constant elopers.”… Read the rest...

Oceanic Shaggy

Category: Politically Incorrect

The author of this story is Lee Jackson.


This is the story about a guy who loved to fish off the shores of the Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas station during the day and went surf fishing in the afternoon. As much as he loved surf fishing, he had one disadvantage: he could not cast more than 10 yards to save his life. Nothing he tried worked.

One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short … Read the rest...

Dinosaur Mania

Category: Rated G

Dinosaurs are very popular these days. We have Dino from the Flintstones and Barney who loves us. The Jurassic Park dinosaurs wanted us for lunch. So, surely you know the name of the famous dinosaur which keeps saying the same thing in many different ways?

Roget, The Saurus!… Read the rest...

My Friend, Ed

Category: Rated G

A version of this story is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”


I have a friend, Ed, who lives on the coast of Maine. He is a painter and works in the local boat yard. He loves birds, and every day, before he goes to work, he feeds the shore birds that come in with the morning tides. He takes the best bird seed that he can find and mixes it with vodka so the seed is thoroughly… Read the rest...

Old Ted

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated G

This venerable tale is from the groaners listserv. The author is unknown.


Old Ted had been at the bar since the pub opened, downing pint after pint. As he watched the band manhandle their speakers onto the small platform that served for a stage, he swore quietly to himself. Bloody musicians. Why did the landlord have to put this racket on every week? Couldn’t a man drown his sorrows in peace of a Friday.

Though to be fair, he thought, … Read the rest...

Shaggy Benjamin

Category: Rated G

Benny worked at the Fahrvergnugen Museum, and his job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

“Master,” the genie began, “I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition … Read the rest...

Lost in the Jungle (Feghoot XXXI)

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

This tale of loss and rescue is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the anagramatic name of Grendel Briarton.


It was Ferdinand Feghoot who saved the Mulch Expedition on Rumjungle III in 3449. Because the planet’s intelligent race dreaded gadgets and hated all strangers, the Expedition could use only native equipment — semi-intelligent, specialized fauna the Rumjunglians carried in their carapace-pouches. Instead of a compass, they employed a stick-insect which pointed due North on command.

Two weeks out, with the nearest … Read the rest...

Unusual Animal

Category: Rated G

I found this on the internet the other day. Truly, it was the first such story that I learned in grammar school, my first shaggy dog (maybe, it’s not that old, after all). Since I cannot let old sleeping dogs lie, here it is.


An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection with the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very unusual species called the Rarie. The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with feet… Read the rest...

Queen Victoria

Category: Rated G

Right after Queen Victoria visited the Canadian city named after her (Victoria, British Columbia, of course), she was asked if a housing development could be named in her honor — Victoria Mews.

The Queen replied “We can be a city in Canada, and We can be a falls in Africa, but We are NOT a mews!”… Read the rest...

The Prison Guard

Category: Rated G

A young man’s primary goal in life was to become a security guard at the local prison. After getting out of high school, the first thing he did was go to the prison and ask for an application, but he was told they weren’t hiring. Disappointed, he signed up for a stint in the Army, but not one week later he found a want ad in the newspaper saying “LOCAL PRISON NEEDS GUARDS.” Unable to break his Army commitment, he … Read the rest...