Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Toyota Salesman

Category: Rated PG

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like “HONDA.” The man was besides himself. Every few minutes “HONDA”, “HONDA”….

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate … Read the rest...


Category: Rated G

This is for my dear, precious Mary Ann, of course. It turns out this story is much older than I thought it was. “Himie Koshevoy’s Treasure Jest of Best Puns”, 1969, has a version of the second punchline.

It was a mystery fit only for the great Sherlock Holmes, himself. The day after every full moon, members of a Japanese fraternity would be found dead in the hall on the fourth floor. The victims were crushed and there were signs… Read the rest...

Fish’s Tale

Category: Rated G

I have just been thinking about the all times I used to spend fishing. A favorite technique was to find a nice tall Ponderosa at the edge of a stream. I would sit down in the shade in front of it and cast my line into one little eddy after another.

I really enjoyed those days of casting swirls before pine.… Read the rest...

Buddhist Cuisine?

Category: Rated G

We have not been able to find the source of this story.

A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had left a freshly fried eggroll. Before he left the house, he noticed that the tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his houseboy about the matter, the houseboy guiltily replied, “I knaw its only wokkened roll — Buddha lack it.”… Read the rest...

A No ‘Count Story

Category: Rated G

This particular story is very, very old.

There was this war on, do you see, and the Count was captured. His captors tried and tried to get him to reveal his military secrets, but he staunchly said, “I’ll never tell!” They imprisoned him, and tortured him, and threatened him, but he always said, “I’ll never tell!”

Finally, they said, “Either reveal your secrets or we put you to death!”

“I’ll never tell!”, said the Count. So they put his head … Read the rest...

Mary Poppins

Category: Rated G

After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read:

“Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.”

Lloyd Botway asked about the source of this well-traveled pun and I said… Read the rest...

About Those Big Cats

Category: Rated G

Himie Koshevoy tells a version of this story.

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in … Read the rest...

Feghoot a la Robinson

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

This Feghoot (based on a character by Reginald Bretner) was created by Spider Robinson, one of SF’s great punsters. It is from his ANTINOMY collection (1980 Dell paperback, now permanently out of print). It may be the only triple Feghoot ever written.

Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge. There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) … Read the rest...

About the War Effort

Category: Politically Incorrect

I think this one is an older one than many.

Did you get the whole story about the great effort to protect the Rose windows of Chartres during the World Wars?

Teams of Indian and Jamaican students from the English “public school” Harrows came over to France to help save the windows. They stored them in a barn, under dried cornstalks.

Yes, that’s right — Harrows colored classes used arroz-colored grasses to cover rose colored glasses.… Read the rest...

Stamp Collecting

Category: Rated G

A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the kid next door bought an album also. “He buys every stamp I do and copies everything I do,” the kid complained to his father. “He has taken all the fun out of my collecting stamps.”

“Don’t be so picky, my boy,” said pop. “Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately.”… Read the rest...