Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Now, This is Poverty

Category: Rated G

We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat. One day my mother sent me to the basement to find what I could for dinner. After a long search, I came back with some beets. This was not enough to feed our family of 6, so my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of wrens who had moved in there. My mother cooked the wren and we waited for my father to get … Read the rest...

Royal Antics

Category: Rated G

There once was a king who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he arranged and shared with them. As will happen, the king died and his eldest son took the throne.

Now this new king was an animal lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they finally ousted him. This was a truly a significant event because it’s … Read the rest...

The Dog’s Tale

Category: Rated G

I think it was in a different pub where the landlord had a big problem when a dog was run over by a tram outside his door late one night – the poor animal had his tail cut off and died from loss of blood.

Every night at midnight, the ghost of the dog came back to look for his tail, but couldn’t find it, so just sat there howling until 1am.

When a barman asked his boss why he … Read the rest...

Toyota Salesman

Category: Rated PG

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like “HONDA.” The man was besides himself. Every few minutes “HONDA”, “HONDA”….

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate … Read the rest...


Category: Rated G

This is for my dear, precious Mary Ann, of course. It turns out this story is much older than I thought it was. “Himie Koshevoy’s Treasure Jest of Best Puns”, 1969, has a version of the second punchline.

It was a mystery fit only for the great Sherlock Holmes, himself. The day after every full moon, members of a Japanese fraternity would be found dead in the hall on the fourth floor. The victims were crushed and there were signs… Read the rest...

Fish’s Tale

Category: Rated G

I have just been thinking about the all times I used to spend fishing. A favorite technique was to find a nice tall Ponderosa at the edge of a stream. I would sit down in the shade in front of it and cast my line into one little eddy after another.

I really enjoyed those days of casting swirls before pine.… Read the rest...

Buddhist Cuisine?

Category: Rated G

We have not been able to find the source of this story.

A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had left a freshly fried eggroll. Before he left the house, he noticed that the tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his houseboy about the matter, the houseboy guiltily replied, “I knaw its only wokkened roll — Buddha lack it.”… Read the rest...

A No ‘Count Story

Category: Rated G

This particular story is very, very old.

There was this war on, do you see, and the Count was captured. His captors tried and tried to get him to reveal his military secrets, but he staunchly said, “I’ll never tell!” They imprisoned him, and tortured him, and threatened him, but he always said, “I’ll never tell!”

Finally, they said, “Either reveal your secrets or we put you to death!”

“I’ll never tell!”, said the Count. So they put his head … Read the rest...

Mary Poppins

Category: Rated G

After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read:

“Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.”

Lloyd Botway asked about the source of this well-traveled pun and I said… Read the rest...

About Those Big Cats

Category: Rated G

Himie Koshevoy tells a version of this story.

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in … Read the rest...