Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Do You Remember?

Category: Rated G

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull “Why didn’t you fall down like the rest of the herd?”

The bull replied “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”… Read the rest...

The Baker’s Tale

Category: Rated G

This is a lovely old tale. A version can be found in Ted Brett’s “Don’t Book a Judge by his cover.”

There was this one-man-show baker who prided himself on his bread. He would slice it to order, disdaining automatic slicers, saying that his way was much more effective in producing the best end result. (He was dealing with the upper crust, of course.)

Soon his business grew to the point where he couldn’t keep up, so he bought himself … Read the rest...

More Gross Than Not

Category: Rated G

There was a Frenchman who was involved in a severe car accident. His body was damaged to such an extent that the doctors and surgeons could only save one lung, a piece of brain, and his vocal chords.

Because they had managed such a miracle as to keep this man alive, and sane, and healthy over all the time it took for recovery, his first trip out of the hospital was a big press event.

Unfortunately, the nurse wheeling him … Read the rest...

Shaggy Lop-Ear

Category: Rated G

I like this one, of course, because I wrote it.

Here in the Pharmacy School, we have a 10 inch ledge which runs all the way around the fifth floor of the the building. Those little, furry animals with bushy tails have taken to running around on the ledge seeking the frequent handouts that certain faculty members give them. Outside my office, however, they prefer to sit quietly and listen to my shaggy dog stories. This goes to show, of … Read the rest...

Office Protocol

Category: Rated G

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3×5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, “The office workers should all be given raises!” When he looked at Frank’s card, it said “Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, … Read the rest...

The Bell Makers

Category: Rated G

This pun is by Bennet Cerf, that most prolific writer and collector of puns.

Long ago, in a small country in Europe, one family had for centuries made all the bells for the churches in the village. Finally, only one member of the bell-making family was left, and he was also the mayor of the town. Feeling threatened by competition, the mayor decreed that no wedding bells might be rung in the village unless they were made by him. He… Read the rest...

The Gnu Mutation (Feghoot XXXVIII)

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

By Reginald Bretnor writing as Grendel Briarton, with thanks given to J.C. Owens.

On July 4th, 2007, Ferdinand Feghoot addressed the D.A.R.’s National Convention, hastily substituting for Robert A. Heinlein, who had been delayed on the Moon. Not knowing that his audience expected a more appropriate theme, he spoke on the many new nations of Africa.

“And in conclusion,” he finally remarked, “I must mention the fascinating Republic of Gnus. We all know how, after the African bomb tests, the … Read the rest...

The Graduate Student

Category: Rated G

This is another variant of this common horsey pun.

There was this kindly professor who took on an errant graduate student. This student had difficulty making anything work. She was late, she broke things. She wasted reagents and never cleaned up after herself. However, she was always pleasant, and she treated the professor and his profession with utmost respect. This was uplifting and very pleasant for him.

So, when the inevitable time came for him to drop her he felt … Read the rest...

An Old Fuel

Category: Rated G

Thanks, Charlotte.

In the old days on the plains, cow patties were in great demand, since they made great fuel for the cold Winter evenings. Tribes bartered and traded this form of manure. One day some new faces showed up and identified themselves as the Grood. The Grood must have been from the East coast, because they were not hip to the ways of the plains, as the locals found out one day. A couple of women were gathering fuel… Read the rest...

Soviet Invasion

Category: Rated G

A man fleeing the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia tried to take refuge from the soldiers in a store. “I’m sorry sir,” said the owner, “No Czechs cached here.”… Read the rest...