Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


The Gnu Mutation (Feghoot XXXVIII)

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

By Reginald Bretnor writing as Grendel Briarton, with thanks given to J.C. Owens.


On July 4th, 2007, Ferdinand Feghoot addressed the D.A.R.’s National Convention, hastily substituting for Robert A. Heinlein, who had been delayed on the Moon. Not knowing that his audience expected a more appropriate theme, he spoke on the many new nations of Africa.

“And in conclusion,” he finally remarked, “I must mention the fascinating Republic of Gnus. We all know how, after the African bomb tests, the … Read the rest...

The Graduate Student

Category: Rated G

This is another variant of this common horsey pun.


There was this kindly professor who took on an errant graduate student. This student had difficulty making anything work. She was late, she broke things. She wasted reagents and never cleaned up after herself. However, she was always pleasant, and she treated the professor and his profession with utmost respect. This was uplifting and very pleasant for him.

So, when the inevitable time came for him to drop her he felt … Read the rest...

An Old Fuel

Category: Rated G

Thanks, Charlotte.


In the old days on the plains, cow patties were in great demand, since they made great fuel for the cold Winter evenings. Tribes bartered and traded this form of manure. One day some new faces showed up and identified themselves as the Grood. The Grood must have been from the East coast, because they were not hip to the ways of the plains, as the locals found out one day. A couple of women were gathering fuel… Read the rest...

Soviet Invasion

Category: Rated G

A man fleeing the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia tried to take refuge from the soldiers in a store. “I’m sorry sir,” said the owner, “No Czechs cached here.”… Read the rest...

More Tarzan

Category: Rated G

The Head of a large Department in my university gave me this. Perhaps, it is worth money that I not tell who she is.

Tarzan swings into the tree house after work and asks Jane if she has prepared the martinis. Jane says, “Oh Tarzan, we don’t have any snacks to go with the cocktails.”

Tarzan swings back out of the tree house into the forest and comes across two Golden Finches which he catches in each hand and knocks … Read the rest...

The Busy Poet

Category: Rated G

This homepage, of course, reminds me of the poet, so devoted, so totally devoted to his work — that he would rise in the morning, and immediately begin penning new couplets and rhymes. So devoted, mind you, that he did nothing else. In fact, it was said that he only went from bed to verse.… Read the rest...

Feghoot XLI: Feghoot and the Mother of Pearl

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

Capt. Ferdinand Feghoot, the famous interplanetary explorer, had arrived at Planet Pearl to pay his respects to its queen, the renowned Mother of Pearl. As was typical, she was the largest and shiniest Pearl on the planet.

Unfortunately, word reached him that the queen was very distraught. Her most trusted adviser Micheal, a lawyer, was committing suicide by walking into the Ammonia Sea. The suicide was a slow one because it would take weeks for Micheal to dissolve.

Capt. Feghoot … Read the rest...

Restaurant Changes

Category: Rated G

“What do you mean we can’t go to that restaurant for dinner tonight?”

“Well, they’ve closed it for redecorating.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, it used to have this over-sentimental decor, until the new owners bought the place and redid it. But people began staying away in droves so the new owners are–”

“Oh, no.”

“Yep, they’re re-maudlin.”… Read the rest...

Native American Classic

Category: Rated G

This is another of the old ones. A version can be found in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”


The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering.

Arriving home after graduation, the boy was … Read the rest...

Feghoot With Flowers

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

Far off in another galaxy was a planet inhabited only by walking, talking flowers. The king, a red carnation, had fallen in love with a common daisy. Unfortunately, she was far below his station, and in addition to having a rather spotty reputation, she posessed an equally spotty education. It was clear she would never fit in with royalty.

The king’s ministers suggested that the only way he could possibly marry this lovely young daisy was to educate her in … Read the rest...