Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


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Category: Rated G

In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to the homeland, Ireland. After securing their down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the scam was discovered, the story ran in the local papers under the headline:

“Tour Allure: A lie”

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Ghost Story

Category: Rated G

There are several versions of this one — involving toilets and the like. Use your imagination.


There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk because the ghost which `lived’ there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains, et al. … Read the rest...

Washington, DC, Park

Category: Rated PG

This wonderfully rude little story has been around for a long time.


Every year, before they can set up the National Christmas Tree, the White House deputizes a special task force to handle police problems in the Ellipse, which is that big grassy area just south of Pennsylvania Ave. In addition to problems with the homeless and drug dealers, the unit has recently had a lot of trouble clearing out all the pimps and prostitutes. To handle the crisis, the… Read the rest...

Bad Luck

Category: Rated G

A certain nameless person entered the pun contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns might win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.… Read the rest...

Catching Polar Bears

Category: alt.callahans, Rated PG

There is an art to capturing polar bears. Each Inuit village has a differnt technique and there is considerable competition between villages in how effective their techniques really are. The most famous village of all had a technique that worked nearly all of the time. The technique stayed a secret until one old gentleman finally told the leaders of the other villages.

“The technique,” he said, “is to make a large hole in the ice. Then, you must surround the … Read the rest...

Frozen Story

Category: Rated G

A variant of this story is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”


Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day Scrooge.

One day during the winter the lake froze over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip, if he … Read the rest...

Go with the Flow

Category: Rated G

Another original spurious-synapse product from Chris Cole.


Bee keeper Ben R. Jizer prided himself on the very potent, flavorful honey his bees produced. It was quite by accident, however, that he discovered another rather peculiar quality of his honey. It dissolved rubber gaskets. How, you may ask, did he discover that?

One of his honey distributors suggested to Ben that he package his honey in bottles resembling little glass barrels, fitted with a handy spigot on the side for dispensing … Read the rest...

Barely Told

Category: Rated PG

This story exists with many different versions of the story and punchline. A different version was by Joel Oppenheimer in “Bred Any Good Rooks Lately?”


Two friends, Count Jan Schweik of Czechoslovakia and Sir Hugh Lowndes of the UK, were hunting in the Austrian Alps. Having spent most of the morning hunting unsuccessfully for the fabled mammoth Austrian brown bear, they decided to rest and enjoy the lunch packed for them at the inn where they were staying. The sat… Read the rest...

Monster Tale (The Beast of London)

Category: Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

This is an olde tale. This updated and expanded version was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.


. The Beast of London

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.

London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and … Read the rest...

The Coal Miner

Category: Rated G

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his advocation was painting, but since he couldn’t afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having “corrupted the murals of a miner.”… Read the rest...