Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Ever Onward; a Toxicological Tale

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

by Alan B. Combs


Alan once again steps forward from the shadows in Callahans where he has been drinking a Samuel Smith Imperial Stout. He gestures to Alamus to come on over.

“Very few folks commented on my terrible $$Alan’s Make Money Fast$$ pun posted a week or so ago. I suspect two reasons, my lad, either there are many automatic kill files keyed to dollar signs, or the thing just wasn’t funny. What do you think, Alamus?”

Alamus knows … Read the rest...

Julius Caesar

Category: Rated G

Here is another old one from from Steve Poge.


Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees.

Said one, “Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides.”

Remarked the second, “Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!”… Read the rest...

Bagman

Category: Rated G

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no.

The bag boy goes, “But I’ve been working here for 5 years, why can’t I run the juice machines?”

The manager goes, “I’m sorry, but baggers can’t be juicers.”… Read the rest...

Fat Albert Says

Category: Rated G

This is modified from a recent posting by Steve Poge.


Farmer Brown’s son George went to the big city to make his fortune. Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living. At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm.

So, in this story, the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.… Read the rest...

Discounted Story

Category: Rated G

This is a very, very old shaggy dog. I have modified it from a recent posting by Steve Poge.


Once upon a time, a King became convinced that a member of his royal court was betraying state secrets to the enemy. He called the Counts all together and demanded that the traitor confess. No one spoke.

“I will behead all of you until the traitor admits his guilt,” roared the King! Still no response. Along came the Royal Executioner. WHOP! … Read the rest...

Thor Thubject

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

Firesong (Iain Sharp) posted this in alt.callahans.


It was another average day in Valhalla. The gods were feasting and the heroes were fighting, and dying, and being placed in the cauldron of everlasting life to be brought back to fight again. Valkyries were being both alluring and martial all over the place and all was generally loud and raucous.

“Me, I’m bored,” thundered Odin,”sod this for a game of warriors.”

“I know,” said Thor,”Lets go visit the Japanese gods for … Read the rest...

The Invention of the Transistor

Category: Rated G

Mike Coleman posted the following. The author is not known.


The transistor was invented on Christmas Day, 1948, by Emily Gerund, a high school teacher of English from Boston, Massachusetts, who was serving a 20 years-to-life sentence in the state penitentiary for throwing her husband’s coat under a speeding truck. (The judge was rather severe with her because her husband was still in the coat at the time.)

The Governor of the state owned an electronics firm and so was … Read the rest...

Rafael, et al.

Category: Rated G

This was posted by Hauke Reddmann.


Well, it was just after the end of the iron-age, when little Nimrod had his 9th birthday. His mother had baked a big cake for him. He took a bite,and said, “BAAAA! This cake is made from SHEEP! Yuck!”

His mother said astonished: “And I thought all kids would love the Tin-Age mutton Nine-Year torteletts!”… Read the rest...

Conejo Malo

Category: Rated G

I owe this juicy oldie to Gregory LeVasseur.


Once upon a time there was a very naughty little rabbit who liked to tie squirrel’s tails in knots. The squirrels were, naturally, very upset by this and appealed to the Spirit of the Woods. She appeared before the little rabbit and said “You are a very bad little rabbit and if you tie just one more squirrel’s tail I will change you into a goon!”

The rabbit promised he would be … Read the rest...

It’s an Ill Wind

Category: Rated G

by Alan B. Combs (it’s no one else’s fault)

This is the story of a fellow that spent the early part of his life working in a photo-development studio. It was a small studio, but he worked hard and developed a large clientele of people who took their film to him to be developed. His control of the chemistry and technology of photography was excellent. In fact, he was given the nickname “Prints” by his grateful customers.

You must, of … Read the rest...