Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Horse of a different cholera

Category: Rated G

This is by Ed Nelson and will appear in his book, “Harvey Wallhangers and other Strange Fax”. Thanks, Ed.


Once a beautiful colt was born. It was perfect in every way, except it had a strange blood condition. Its red blood cells had a mind of their own. Let us consider, if you will, one such blood cell.

Once the red blood cell was formed it ran its course through the heart and soon was being carried merrily up the … Read the rest...

Bread ZepPUN

Category: Rated G

by Alan B. Combs


In this part of the former sovereign nation of Texas, one of the local bakeries claims to be a family-owned business. The son comes on television and radio and tells us how the company is following the precepts and principles taught by Momma B. who founded the company.

A little investigation shows that in addition to her other virtues, Momma B. is always willing to experiment with new methods in bread production. One serious problem upon … Read the rest...

Ever Onward; a Toxicological Tale

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

by Alan B. Combs


Alan once again steps forward from the shadows in Callahans where he has been drinking a Samuel Smith Imperial Stout. He gestures to Alamus to come on over.

“Very few folks commented on my terrible $$Alan’s Make Money Fast$$ pun posted a week or so ago. I suspect two reasons, my lad, either there are many automatic kill files keyed to dollar signs, or the thing just wasn’t funny. What do you think, Alamus?”

Alamus knows … Read the rest...

Julius Caesar

Category: Rated G

Here is another old one from from Steve Poge.


Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees.

Said one, “Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides.”

Remarked the second, “Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!”… Read the rest...

Bagman

Category: Rated G

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no.

The bag boy goes, “But I’ve been working here for 5 years, why can’t I run the juice machines?”

The manager goes, “I’m sorry, but baggers can’t be juicers.”… Read the rest...

Fat Albert Says

Category: Rated G

This is modified from a recent posting by Steve Poge.


Farmer Brown’s son George went to the big city to make his fortune. Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living. At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm.

So, in this story, the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.… Read the rest...

Discounted Story

Category: Rated G

This is a very, very old shaggy dog. I have modified it from a recent posting by Steve Poge.


Once upon a time, a King became convinced that a member of his royal court was betraying state secrets to the enemy. He called the Counts all together and demanded that the traitor confess. No one spoke.

“I will behead all of you until the traitor admits his guilt,” roared the King! Still no response. Along came the Royal Executioner. WHOP! … Read the rest...

Thor Thubject

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

Firesong (Iain Sharp) posted this in alt.callahans.


It was another average day in Valhalla. The gods were feasting and the heroes were fighting, and dying, and being placed in the cauldron of everlasting life to be brought back to fight again. Valkyries were being both alluring and martial all over the place and all was generally loud and raucous.

“Me, I’m bored,” thundered Odin,”sod this for a game of warriors.”

“I know,” said Thor,”Lets go visit the Japanese gods for … Read the rest...

The Invention of the Transistor

Category: Rated G

Mike Coleman posted the following. The author is not known.


The transistor was invented on Christmas Day, 1948, by Emily Gerund, a high school teacher of English from Boston, Massachusetts, who was serving a 20 years-to-life sentence in the state penitentiary for throwing her husband’s coat under a speeding truck. (The judge was rather severe with her because her husband was still in the coat at the time.)

The Governor of the state owned an electronics firm and so was … Read the rest...

Rafael, et al.

Category: Rated G

This was posted by Hauke Reddmann.


Well, it was just after the end of the iron-age, when little Nimrod had his 9th birthday. His mother had baked a big cake for him. He took a bite,and said, “BAAAA! This cake is made from SHEEP! Yuck!”

His mother said astonished: “And I thought all kids would love the Tin-Age mutton Nine-Year torteletts!”… Read the rest...