Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Native Dessert

Category: Rated G

By Alan B. Combs. This is my version of a much older story I have known for a *long* time.


When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, “We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake.”

“Not on your life,” announced his widow, “Squaw bury Shortcake!”… Read the rest...

Lunch on the Beach

Category: Rated G

I originally saw this posted by Steve Poge.


A creature rose up out of the surf and came sloshing ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. “I am the friendly Witch of the Sand,” she said, “and I am only going to sunbathe.” The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!! Have you ever seen a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?… Read the rest...

Red Salmon Tale

Category: Rated G

Another from Steve Poge.


At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small, red salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, “Wait, I’m much too small!”

“Wow!, a talking salmon”, the fisherman exclaimed, “What’s your name?

“Rusty,” replied the salmon. “Please throw me back into the sea!” The fisherman did so.

About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot when he again caught Rusty! “Amazing”, exclaimed the … Read the rest...

A Classical Shaggy Dog with Computers

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

This was created by Phil Stracchino, aka Alaric, The Renaissance Man, and was posted in alt.callahans. All the punmasters fell to their knees when faced with this work, but like Arnold, they will be back (or was that MacArthur who was planning to return?).


“My Monday wasn’t great, either,” Alaric replies. “But take comfort – it could have been a LOT worse. I remember one truly, wretchedly, appallingly awful Monday morning beside which yours pales by comparison.”

He pauses, since … Read the rest...

Running Pun

Category: Rated G

A version of this was posted by Steve Poge.


Bo Johnson won first prize in the decathlon at the 1992 Olympic Games. As is the custom, his wife Judy was asked to present the wreath to the victor. It was Bo’s first time in the Olympics, so he didn’t know what to do with the wreath and just flung it over his arm! Immediately, a voice from the stands shouted, “Judy’s garland goes somewhere over the brain, Bo!”

And the … Read the rest...

Rotterdam

Category: Rated G

Glenda Konopka sent this to us. Thanks, Glenda.


Mrs Smith’s third grade class was to use the word Rotterdam in a sentence. Little Jimmy hops up and says, “If my sister doesn’t quit eating so much candy, she will Rotterdam teeth out.”… Read the rest...

Valley So Low

Category: Rated G

Posted by Steven Poge.


For the grand opening of a super-deluxe Deli in Las Vegas, the proud owner stopped at nothing to shout the news about! He even hired two ping-pong players to play on a table in front of the new deli. Since it WAS a deli, the players used pickles instead of balls, and the crowd cheered wildly as the pickles splatted back and forth across the net. They called it, of course, “The Volley of the Dills.”… Read the rest...

Fools Scold

Category: Rated G

by Alan B. Combs

I must confess that this tale also is a tiny bit scatological, but that cannot be helped. A few folks have indicated that this may actually be desirable in such stories, but I am not completely sure that this should be a general rule. The parts you like can be credited to Ms. Scarlet, the admirable pun mistress. I am to blame for the parts you do not like. Or is it visa vera? Onward, nevertheless.… Read the rest...

Classic about Indecision

Category: Rated G

This is a popular oldie that exists in several versions.


The most traditional version concerns the confused young man who couldn’t decide whether to mary Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You can’t have your Kate and … Read the rest...

Lethal Makeup

Category: Rated G

Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff onto her eyelashes that I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she ever used it before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I asked her why, and she said…

“It’s my St. Valentine’s day mascara.”

Read the rest...