Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Cementing Relationships

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This was originally posted by Hodgepodge in alt.callahans.

A very strange thing happened here in suburbia a few days ago…

This past weekend, I noticed a neighbor of mine repairing his sidewalk. He had removed a number of broken sections (thanks to numerous trees in his yard). He had rented a cement mixer (portable – not a truck). He was laying new forms for the cement. He was allmost ready to pour the cement which would form a new, flat … Read the rest...

A Trip to the Zoo

Category: Rated G

This was posted by Steve Poge.

All the animals in the zoo somehow managed to find the alcoholic punch bowl at their Annual Picnic. The first animals to pass out were the monkey and a young pony, proving once again that a foal and his monkey are soon potted!… Read the rest...

Medical Breakthrough!

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This little gem was posted in alt.callahans by Matthew T. Russotto. Thanks.

It so happens that I work in the same building as a major drug company. Recently, I overheard a conversation between a couple of their employees involving a cure for a particular type of brain tumor. It seems this is a type developed early in life, is invariably inoperable, and does not respond to radiation therapy. It progressively grows larger, eventually producing blindness, paralysis, and death.

Happily, the … Read the rest...

Wizards and their bad hobbits

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This clever piece was posted by Ieuan Wickham in alt.callahans.

Given the fantastic nature of this place, this seemed appropriate…

Here goes…

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
(No, that’s the wrong start…)

Once upon a time, there was a poor merchant. He hadn’t been a merchant long, and he had thought that there would be a profit selling the horses of the Rohirrim to the nobles of Gondor. But, of course, you may remember that the men … Read the rest...

An Indian Success Story

Category: Rated G

A version of this story has been ascribed to Bennett Cerf. Another version is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”

A small band of Cherokee Indians on a Midwest reservation was so poor it didn’t even have skins to make teepees. Other bands knew it as the bunch that had no hides to place. But this sad state was remedied one day when the chief found oil on the property. The happy juice gushed to such an extent … Read the rest...

A Cutting Tale

Category: Rated G

This is not the tale of the traveling salesman. Rather, it is the tale of the traveling sword swallower who was between jobs, and was riding his thumb to keep up with the circus. His ability to follow the circus was greatly complicated by his complete illiteracy. He hid his defect pretty well because he was in the habit of conspicuously carrying around the latest best seller.

Late one night he found himself at a farm in the middle of … Read the rest...

A Trip to Sea World

Category: Rated G

This was posted by Steve Poge.

On a recent trip to Sea World, we were particularly impressed by the “Penguin Encounter”. We looked all over the enclosure to see all the little penguins and puffins. Down at the far end there was a little male puffin in a lady’s dress, pulling rabbits out of a hat, and doing all sorts of other tricks. We called him “Drag, the Magic Puffin”… Read the rest...

Taken to the Cleaners

Category: Rated G

I received this from Mike Brimberry. I don’t know its history before that.

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater. I wasn’t too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it’d never been there.

So I took the sweater down … Read the rest...

Feghoot IX: What-so-ever-you-so, sew shall you reap

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

This was posted by Mike Mahnken.

By the 60’s, “Through Time and Space with Ferdinand Feghoot” was a reguler end-filler in the Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction (F&SF), where he shared experiences like the trip to a planet where there were two species of humanoids. The sentient species valued the hams of the non-sentient species, so much so, that they raised the lower humanoids as a cash crop. Naturally, the best selling book on that planet was “The Fanny … Read the rest...

Couch PUNtatoes (Couch PUNtatoes? It makes me quail.)

Category: Rated G

This is by Alan B. Combs

Exercise and entertainment. Entertainment and exercise. We need both, but usually these things are mutually incompatible. Exercising is not fun and entertainment turns me even more into a couch potato.

This problem is not restricted to my own experience, however. Other people have dealt with the problem and the solution varies from one person to another. For example, some close friends were involved in Korean marital (no, no, martial — typing is so *critical*) … Read the rest...