Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Road Dents

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This was posted in alt.callahans by John Barnstead.

Pernicious the Musquodoboit Harbour farm cat steps up to the chalkline, a saucer of cream balanced contemplatively on his left fore-paw. He meows, which, being interpreted, means:

Friends, I am here tonight to propose a toast in protest against the cruel exploitation to which human beings subject other animals. I need not indicate the fate of laboratory mice: after all, I wouldn’t mind meting that out MYSELF if given the opportunity. Nor … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on March 2, 1998 at 4:58 pm
filed in alt.callahans, Rated G
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Singing at the Ballpark

Category: Rated G

This was posted by Gregg Opelka to Adrian Gilbert’s jokeserv. BevJoe sent it to us.

Overheard at the White House: “I can’t believe he did it right in the Oval Office.”

“You know, he doesn’t consider the office shape to be oval. He does not think it was a sexual relationship. In truth, he feels that it’s only an Oval Office if you do it there with a small busted female undercover agent.”

“What?”

“Don’t you see? … It’s never … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on March 1, 1998 at 4:57 pm
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Gamey Dice

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This was posted a couple of years ago on alt.callahans by Lin Ka-Ming (aka Magus Firecow).

Magus Firecow, finally done with finals returns to AC, to deliver the following:

Milton Bradley, those famous board game makers were successful because they had supernatural help. You see, they were given two dice that contained the answers to all the questions one could possibly ask.

These powerful random number generators are kept in the little known, Super-natural Mystic Artifact Repository Tower – All-knowing … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 28, 1998 at 4:57 pm
filed in alt.callahans, Rated G
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Whirled Cup

Category: Rated G

This from Norm Gilbert via Stan Kegel.

One of General Motor’s employees decided to get away from the picket lines and take a holiday in France. He saw that the local bank’s armoured truck was being robbed. He reached for his gun and began shooting at the robbers. Sad to report his only hit was to mortally wound Dannette’s medical examiner. headlines read, . . .

“Striker fired a shot past the gold keeper into the coroner of Dannette.”… Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 27, 1998 at 4:56 pm
filed in Rated G
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Ferdinand and Feckless Go Golfing

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

This original was submitted by Gregory Lepore. Thank you.

One day while lounging beside his sunny, suburban swimming pool, Ferdinand Feghoot received a telegram from John Smith, author of the recent best-seller -King-, a biography of Henry the Eighth. Smith was inviting Ferdinand and his son Feckless to play golf with him at a nearby country club. Knowing that Smith hated to golf and, knowing that Ferdinand hated Smith, Feghoot decided to go and ascertain what Smith’s intentions were. In … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 26, 1998 at 4:55 pm
filed in Original Feghoots, Rated G
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Essene Essence and other old tales

Category: Rated G

By Alan B. Combs and Chris Cole

Archeology, that ancient science of antiquities (or is it the antiquated science of ancients), received much favorable press with the Indiana Jones sagas. Usually, though, archeology is more quiet than that.

One exception to this quiet occurred a few years ago in the Middle East when a new cache of ancient written material was found near the Northern border of the Dead Sea. Controversy arose immediately. It appeared that while many of the … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 25, 1998 at 4:55 pm
filed in Rated G
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Once Upon a Night….

Category: Rated G

From Doug Fitler — long, convoluted, it belongs here.

Many years ago, a traveler came to the ancient land of Day. As he traveled through the country side he saw many fields and pastures. The people working the land all appeared to be peasants, living in abject poverty. However, all he passed seemed to be in good spirits. Asking a peasant how he could be so happy while living in such an impoverished state, the man told him that this … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 24, 1998 at 4:54 pm
filed in Rated G
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Francis, Key to the Ship

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This was posted by kwiz (aka Martin Baker) on alt.callahans. The author is unknown.

The short stocky gentleman appears from a corner carrying a leather bag which clanks alarmingly as he aproaches the bar. He pauses, removes several glittering gold sovereigns, places them in the cigar box on the bar, then appropriates a bottle of Glenbannock and heads for a table….

“All this talk of tall ships reminds me of the good ship Intercoursus, out of Thermopylae. The foredeck crew, … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 23, 1998 at 3:57 pm
filed in alt.callahans, Rated G
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Diving Contest

Category: Rated G

Brian received this one from Paul Thomas.

The rich man aboard his sailing ship in New York’s East river watched the poor kids diving off a pier. He paid particular attention to one of the divers because of his apparent ability. He went to the pier and invited the outstanding diver to his ship for a diving contest.

When the young guy got there, he found six other divers that were in the contest. As the contest wore on, it … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 22, 1998 at 3:56 pm
filed in Rated G
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The Long and the Short of It

Category: Rated G

Another original from Chris Cole.

Recently an NBA player went in for arthroscopic surgery on both knees at the same time. Somehow, the doctor really screwed up and the player came out of surgery six inches shorter than when he went in.

Well, the player was outraged and royally chewed out the doctor, who, in a fit of pique of his own, responded by insulting the NBA star, making snide jokes about his sudden post-surgical shortness. The player hobbled off, … Read the rest…

No Comments posted by Alan B. Combs on February 21, 1998 at 3:56 pm
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