From the groaners listserv.
The skunk says ‘Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a scent’
The duck says ‘Just put it on my bill’
The cow says ‘You’ll have to ask one of the udders’
The deer says ‘I had a buck last week and I’m expecting a little doe soon’
The frog says, “I’ve got one greenback”
The vampire … Read the rest…
Posted on the groaners listserv.
The legend is told in India about a stick and a stone that were of some small service to a Hindu holy man. Out of gratitude he offered to transform them into any object they desired.
The solid stone wanted to be a strongbox or safe to hold the holy man’s sacred relics. The vain stick indicated it wanted to become a Hindu woman’s beautiful gown or sari.
Thus it came to pass: the stone … Read the rest…
Stan Kegel posted this tale of married life on the groaners listserv.
*Pierogi (aka perogi, or pirogi)
An elderly pious Jew lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, … Read the rest…
This quickie was prompted by a query from Stan Kegel.
Mary was a happy lamb, with fleece as white as snow. But as she got older, she became more and more depressed because of an increasingly objectionable cosmetic defect in her ears. They were becoming more and more Droopy (can you imagine dog-like ears?).
Finally, Mary discovered the way Doberman Pinschesr had their ears trained to stand up, instead of drooping. This treatment occasionally includes surgery and taping the ears … Read the rest…
From the groaners listserv. My father would have greatly appreciated this one. Thanks, Dad.
1.DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT
Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him/her to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2.BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he/she can get.
3.TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to … Read the rest…
This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. Why are these things seemingly so pertinent these days?
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Seniors’ Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you!
SENIOR TEXTING CODE
AFT: Another Funeral Today
ATD: At the Doctor’s
B2N: Bingo Tonight?
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:
This ia a pun cascade from P.U.N.Y.
Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Engaged to 24-Year-Old
The 84-year-old announces his engagement to model Crystal
Harris on Twitter.
The above – seriously! – is from today’s news.
I can guess what wedding gifts they’ll exchange: She’ll give
him an Erector set, and he’ll give her a do-it-yourself kit.
Charles Wukash
Gary Hallock
I thought young gal would play boy, man shun.
Chris … Read the rest…
Another story from Paul DeAnguera.
Having failed to change the course of the War of 1812, the H.M.S. Legume fled down the Potomac to Chesapeake Bay — only to find the way to the Atlantic blocked by her nemesis, the U.S.S. Groundpea. Through their brass telescopes, the officers on the quarter-deck studied the enemy frigate uneasily. She had changed somewhat since they had last seen the Groundpea in Giza, a large black tube now stood up from the main deck.… Read the rest…
A seasonal posting from the groaners listserv.
Christmas Cookie Rules
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs … Read the rest…
Mel Lett sent me this tale a few years back. I have a file of stuff he sent me that will keep on giving for a long time.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being … Read the rest…
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