Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Oakland

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

Mel Lett sent this to me. As I have mentioned before, he has good material.


The Coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards way — ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away — ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl for another time in history.

The young Bosnian is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No, let me tell you,” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland.”

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