Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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New Alphabet for the Elderly

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Poetry, Rated G

This is from bwjokes and the groaners listserv. It does not tell a happy tale.


A’s for arthritis;

B’s the bad back,

C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it be low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L’s for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.

W for worry, now what’s going ’round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I’m left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have–in my mind!

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
and I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

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