From AAA Jokes, this was posted on the groaners listserv.

In addition to the old lines about “The check is in the mail” and “Certainly, I’ll respect you in the morning,” modern events have made for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following are some of the “new” classics:

    – I never inhaled.

    – I never watch television except PBS.

    – I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.

    – The engine is supposed to make that noise.

    – Just take a left after the lights — you can’t miss it.

    – I am married, but we’re getting a divorce.

    – Don’t worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on “empty.”

    – Just ignore him — he’s never bitten anyone.

    – I’ve never done anything like this before.

    – It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.

    – You get this one and I’ll pay next time.

– If elected, I will go to Washington and reform the culture.

– Some of my best friends are _______. (insert appropriate minority, gender, sect, etc.)