Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Math & Science Jokes

Category: Rated NC-17

This collection of math and science jokes was found online. Some may already be on the site, but worth sharing again.

The authors to these are unknown. By anyone, I imagine.


A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for ten times the normal number of drinks anyone else has. “Wow,” says the barkeep, “That’s an order of magnitude.”


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.


Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and go seek. Einstein is counting while Newton and Pascal hide. Pascal runs off and hides while Newton doesn’t move an inch. Instead, he draws a square around himself in the dirt. After Einstein finishes counting, he opens his eyes and says, “Found you Newton! That was easy.”
Newton says, “No you didn’t. You found Pascal.” He points down to the square in the dirt. “One Newton per meter squared.”


A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in a psychological test. They sat on one side of a room and waited not knowing what to expect. A door opened on the other side and a naked woman came in the room and stood on the far side. They were then instructed that every time they heard a beep they could move half the remaining distance to the woman. They heard a beep and the engineer jumped up and moved halfway across the room while the mathematician continued to sit, looking disgusted and bored. When the mathematician didn’t move after the second beep he was asked why. “Because I know I will never reach the woman.” The engineer was asked why he chose to move and replied, “Because I know that very soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!”


An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician agree to take part in a psychological study. In the first part, each participant must move a book from the floor to a table. Each of them does so.

In the second part, each participant must move a book from a first table to a second table. The engineer and the physicist each do so. The mathematician throws the book on the floor, says in a triumphant tone, “There! I have reduced the problem to one for which a solution is known to exist,” and walks out.


It’s a boring news day, so a bored reporter goes to the pub where he finds a computer scientist and a mathematician having some beers. So he decides to interview them. He asks “You’re in the basement and you want a cup of tea, what do you do?”

The mathematician replies “Well, you go upstairs to the kitchen, fill the pot of water, heat it, put a bag into your cup, and fill the cup with hot water.” The computer scientist concurs.

The reporter then asks “You want a cup of tea and your in the kitchen. What do you do?”

The mathematician says “Oh that’s even easier. You fill your pot wit water…”

“No!” the computer scientist interrupts. “You go to the basement, and from there you already know how to solve the problem!”


So a mathematician is hiring a secretary, and he interviews three candidates.

To test them, he asks them to solve Fermat’s last theorem.

The first candidate says that if the great minds of history couldn’t solve it she humbly excuses herself from trying.

The second gives it the old college try but can’t solve it.

The third finds the square root of pi instead.

So which candidate does the mathematician hire?

The one with the big tits!


A guy visits a physicist at his farm and says, “I have the gift of talking to animals.”

The physicist says, “I believe in the scientific method, so prove your assertion.”

The guy asks the physicist’s dog, “what did you do today?”

The dog replies, “well, my master too me outside, gave me a walk, then fed me.”

The physicist says, “wow that’s impressive! But I warn you that my sheep are all liars.”


A horny engineer goes to a brothel. The madam says, “you know, we’ve unionized since the last time you were here.”

“That’s OK,” says the engineer, “does Nikki still work here.”

“Yes,” says the madam.

“Good,” says the engineer, “I’ll take her.”

“Sorry, sir,” says the madam, “Bertha here has seniority.”


A guy visits a computer programmer at his farm. He notices a pig with a peg leg.

“That’s Bess,” says the programmer. “Last year she rescued me from a fire. Six months ago she solved a glitch in my software. And yesterday she solved a personnel problem with my graduate students.”

“That’s impressive,” says the guy. “But why the peg leg.”

“Well,” says the programmer, “a pig like that you don’t eat all at once.”


Want to see a math problem?

How Long is a Chinese mathematician.


A physicist walks into a bar. He’s really plastered, and he’s leading an elephant on a leash.

“Sorry, sir,” says the bartender, “we don’t let elephants in the bar.”

So the physicist comes back later, still with the elephant, but this time there are slices of bread on the elephant’s head and belly.

“I told you we don’t let elephants in here,” said the bartender.

“Elephant?” says the physicist. “This is a *sandwich!*”


A hydrogen atom loses an electron and goes down to the police department to file a report.

“Are you sure your electron is missing?”

“I’m positive!”


A brunette mathematician and a blonde biologist are in a car. The mathematician says, “is that cop car behind us flashing its lights?”

The biologist answers, “yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…”


An engineer in a panda costume comes into a bar. He orders a sandwich, fires his gun into the mirror, blows away several bottles of Scotch, and starts walking out the door.

“Hey,” says the bartender, “what’s the big deal?”

“I happen to have studied pandas,” says the engineer, “and it says that a panda eats, shoots and leaves.”


A physicist, a mathematician and a biologist are all sentenced to death by firing squad.

When they’re about to shoot the mathematician, yells “hurricane!” and the firing squad disperses in panic, so the mathematician gets away.

When they’re about the shoot the physicist, he shouts “stampeding bulls!” and the firing squad disperses in panic, so the physicist gets away.

When they’re about the shoot the biologist, he yells “fire!”

« Previous post
Next post »

Leave a Reply