Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Legal Story (A Tale by Two Johns)

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

The first part of this tale is by John Vinson (aka John the Wysard). Both were posted in alt.callahans.


John the Wysard comes in, chuckling. “My brother… I haven’t introduced my brother Ed have I?… came up with this the other day, and I thought that the Place would enjoy it:

In a large Eastern city, the movie theaters lobbied and finally got the city council to pass an ordinance prohibiting patrons from bringing outside food or drink into a movie.The ordinance was unpopular, of course, and there were rumors of bribes and kickbacks to the councilmen, but the fines were high, so most people were deterred from even trying.

However, one day a Thai gentleman named Chhittagongcharaman tried to smuggle a 42-ounce iced tea from a nearby 7-11 into a showing of Bambi, and was arrested by a Sgt. O’Malley. The Thai protested the fine; the city was determined to make an example of him. It quickly escalated into a city-wide furor over the law- civil rights and racial profiling and constitutional issues got dragged in. He was convicted in court, but a high-profile lawyer took his appeal. But, since no one could pronounce the defendant’s name, folks just called the case…

“Sergeant’s Tea and Flick Collar.”


John Barnstead (in his alter ego, Pernicious) immediately followed with:

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, dear Wysard,” tsk-tsks Pernicious the Musquodoboit Harbour Farm Cat. “Leave it to *you* to go messing about with Mister Ed’s tail… fortunately for *you*, I got the story straight from the horse’s mouth…

“I believe this whopper is *actually* due to one Joel Chandler Harris, who, you may recall, authored the famous “Tales of Uncle Remus”. He was held up in my childhood as a *model* of narrative decorum, but *I* always thought he left too many loose threads in his stories. Take that one about Br’er Rabbit pleading not to be flung into the briar patch… Mister Harris never *bothers* to explain just where the *funds* were procured to acquire the necessary pitch from the plantation owner for constructing that infantiform rabbit lure — nor does he offer any justification for the purr-suasiveness of Br’er Rabbit’s suave cries of protestation — but, come to think of it, since *he* doesn’t go into the

Tar gent’s fee and slick holler,

I really don’t see why *I* should be expected to, either…”

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