Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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In the Land of Old Age

Category: Lists, Puns@yahoogroups.com, Rated PG-13

This was posted in puns@yahoogroups.com. I don’t know why these things keep coming to me more frequently these days. Probably, I should add that to the list.


Have you celebrated your 25th birthday for the last ten years? Twenty? There are many perks to getting older. Such as closer parking, discounts, and the fact that you’re least likely to get kidnapped. Here are some signs that maybe, just maybe, you might be getting a little older.

1. You walk into a room and forget why you’re there. Repeat four times before realizing you just wanted a drink of water.

2. You’re asleep, but others worry you’re dead.

3. Your friend is dating someone less than half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.

4. People call you at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you?” They did.

5. Happy hour is a nap.

6. You have a party and your neighbors don’t even realize it.

7. You have more hair in your ears than on your head. And you don’t care.

8. It takes three tries to get up from the couch.

9. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

10. You sink your teeth into a grilled cheese. They stay there.

11. The twinkle in your eye is just the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

12. You can’t remember where you put your glasses.

13. An hour later you remember you’re wearing your glasses.

14. You sit in a rocking chair, but you can’t get it going.

15. Your secrets are always safe with your friends because they can’t remember them.

16. You don’t worry about tying shoelaces. All your shoes are slip-ons.

17. Adult diapers? Actually, they’re kind of convenient (and dependable).

18. You look both ways before crossing a room.

19. Your worst enemy? Gravity.

20. You see toys from your childhood. In a museum.

21. Your knees buckle. Your belt won’t.

22. You start every sentence with “Nowadays…” or “When I was your age…”

23. Someone says it’s windy today, and you reply, “No, it’s Thursday.”

24. You pet your cat on the bathroom counter. It’s really your toupee.

25. You get winded on the stairs. Going down.

26. You wonder when they started letting elementary school kids become doctors.

27. You have ever used the word “whippersnapper”.

28. You realize you can’t find some of your favorite magazines on the racks any more: Colliers, Coronet, Life, Look, Galaxy…

29. People start letting you go through doors first.

30. You no longer have to worry about strange men offering you candy. Or wine.

31. You know the difference between your and you’re; its and it’s; there, they’re and their; and are annoyed when you notice them misused.

32. You have ever referred to yourself using a ‘C’ word: Crotchety, Curmudgeon, Codger, Coot.

33. Other people have begun referring to you as “eccentric”.

34. Your drivers license goes from “black” to “salt & pepper” to “grey” to “flesh-toned”.

43. You tend to lose count of things.

44. You tend to lose things.

45. You understand what is meant by the classic warning, “Never trust a fart.”

46. You cringe when you hear the word, “Spry.”


#1-25 Author Unknown #26-43 by Owen K. L.

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  1. matt dunn

     /  June 12, 2015

    all your indentured servants are wooden
    you are not rastafarian but you dread a nappy
    i used to be hot, now it only comes in flushes

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