Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Horticulture

Category: Rated G

With tongue in cheek, rosecatt tells us a little about herself.


Thought I would reveal a little something ’bout myself. I am an Experimental Horticulturist, working on a Federal Grant to help develop cutting edge new food groups which can be grown by The Homeless in various cities (Austin was mentioned among others, that is why I am telling you this groaner).

It is felt that the opportunity to grow some of their own food might just bring satisfaction to The Homeless in their otherwise desperate lives. Growing soup was considered, but the idea never did really cook except in ‘Philly, the City of Broth_erly Love. It wouldn’t even wash in D.C.!

However I am quite excited with the progress of my Pudding Project, and through selective breeding have developed a hybrid strain of tapioca pudding which is adaptable to every climate condition except snow, which makes it invisible and nearly impossible to harvest. (Had to ditch ‘Yogurt from Seeds’, required way too much culture.)

But there is nothing quite like wandering out into the garden of a summer evening to gather a few home grown pudding pods for dessert, and with a companion planting of non-dairy toppings nearby, I think we can claim a parfait accompli’.

My colleague Dr. Freud Rice, born and bread hereabouts, has obtained funding which would put a Pudding Garden in every major metropolitan area of the U.S. of A. by the end of this year, which seems a little hasty, pudding-wise – but with a little fancy footwork he consulted a Pudiatrist in New York – sheer luck – and is raisin some support.

Dr. Rice, himself a Professor of Appled Puddchology at Vanillanova, envisions covering over the concrete pads on abandoned vacant lots, covering them with topsoil and mulch and sprinkling them over with instant pudding powder for a quick and easy solution to the serious dessert problem in many inner city neighborhoods which according to the media, is not a trifle. My good friend Fred (no relation to Freud) thought of calling them ‘Rice Paddies’ in his honor – catchy huh?

But I digress. I encountered a lot of resistance to my research, in fact almost every stage of the study turned into a brulee’haha, and not a few associates custard me out. But I prevailed and my extensive experiments show that too much water dilutes the maturing pudding and a more concentrated liquid is better assimilated. Butterscotch pudding, for example requires Chivas, or even a better Scotch. My field trials show using spirits keeps the flavor and quality high – very high. Indeed Professor Rice tested much of the current crop today and when the Prof was in the pudding he said ‘the proof is in the pudding!’

But you have probably figured out that this is all nonsense, and I confess that the spoof is in the pudding.

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