Hoary Shaggy Dog

This is a completely different story leading to a similar punchline as one of the feghoots in this collection.

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter’s size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared — the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.

“What’s the big idea? Eek!” One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can’t make ’em shrink.

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