Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Hmmmmmm

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

A shaggy little tale by rosecatt.


Back in the glory days of movie musicals, out of work actors often took up singing with the idea of auditioning for these hot properties. Unfortunately, some of the most impressive dramatic actors were miserable failures in the singing department and if they got hired at all were relegated to the chorus, where they just went ‘Hummmmmm’ a lot. If they were desperate enough to accept such a job, they would take classes at a special humming school to learn the intricacies of the choral hum.

The school was operated by an ill-tempered haridan who was seldom impressed with her famous clients. But it was cheap enough – only $5 per lesson, which she insisted upon collecting up front. Everyone hated her. If they didn’t hum nicely she would sling personal insults at them.

“Hepburn, stop acting like a freakin’ queen”— “Bacall, you know how to hum don’t you? Just put your lips together and don’t blow!” — She hurled so many insults at Gable that his face turned scarlet and his wind was gone, rhettorically speaking.

One day a student arrived for a humming lesson but forgot to bring his $5. This was of course a serious breach and the teacher refused to allow him into class. She ranted at him as she unceremoniously shoved him out the door, “Get out of here. You know you can’t hum free, Bogart!”

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