Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Have You Heard About These Cats?

Category: Rated G

*These are by Richard Lederer.

Have you heard about the tailor who let his cat out, the firefighter who put her cat out, and the private eye who put a tail on a Manx?

Have you heard about the cat who entertained herself with some wool? After a while, she had a ball.

Have you heard what happened when she swallowed that ball? She had mittens. All her offspring were born wearing sweaters.

I hope you found this yarn to be a fine example of knit-wit. Here are some other cats that you might have heard about:

Have you heard about . . .

• the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.

• the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.

• the curious cat? He was a peeping tom.

• the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.

• the psychic cat? He was adopted from the E.S.P.C.A.

• the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.

• the dyslexic cat? He cried, “Woem, weom!”

• the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.

• the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.

• the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth, duck-filled fatty puss.

• the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn’t hack it.

• the cat who was a comedian? His name was Groucho Manx.

• the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any sounds? She developed a purr-senility disorder.

• the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently scored fur under purr.

• the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, “Why don’t you let me lead one of my own lives?”

• the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to catch the tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.

• the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, “Me ow!”

• the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had Sandy Claws.

• the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mousehole? She waited with baited breath.

• the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.

• the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They both strained themselves.

• the cat who robbed McDonald’s and Wendy’s? She was a cat burgrlar.

• the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it had kittens.

• the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of shredded tweet.

• the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.

• the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place cat litter in his box? He didn’t have anything to go on.

• the teeny-tiny cat? She drank only condensed milk.

• the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.

• the alley cat who married a chicken? They had a peeping tom.

• the cat who married a tree? They had a catalog.

• the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it – and she started from scratch.

• the cat with chutzpah? He was a pushy cat.

• the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in that kitty.

• the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby, crabby, gabby tabby.

• the mother cat looking for her straying kittens? Like a poet, she listened for their mews.

• the feline who impeded the iceman’s work? The cat got his tong.

• the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a first-aid kit.

• the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat the other by a lap.

• the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm Friedemann, Johann Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were all born in a litter Bachs.

• the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia, clawstrophobia, and purranoia.

• the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was arrested for kitty littering.

• the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said “Free Cats”? So he went in and did.

• the unemployed cat burglar from Nepal? What else can a Katmandu?

*From “A Treasury for CAT LOVERS” by Richard Lederer ©2009 Howard Books.
Now available at amazon.com and all major book stores.

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