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Halloween Monster

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G

By Gill Krebs.


Halloween is a time when we conjure up visions of all manner of ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties.

The most popular of these grotesques is the Frankenstein monster, not to be confused with Victor Frankenstein, his creator.

Despite his evil reputation, Dr. Victor Frankenstein actually had a good sense of humor; he kept his monster in stitches. Frankenstein was also a philanthropist because he founded the first organ donor program – a dead giveaway to his good heart.

He also loved his dog – a black Lab, of course. And when the monster rose from the table and spat on the ground, the proud doctor exclaimed, “It’s saliva! It’s saliva!”

Doctor Frankenstein’s assistant, Igor, was also a doctor and together they were a pair o’ docs. When they decided to stop making monsters, Igor found a new job at an auto dealership as parts manager.

Even though Frankenstein’s monster’s twisted body strikes us as shocking and re-volting, he had his heart in the right place. In fact, he once had a ghoul friend to take out for a frank ‘n’ stein. He just couldn’t resistor.

Now he has a new ghoul friend named Endora. He’d previously dated a lady scarecrow but went from rags to witches.

Sensitive fellow that old Zippeneck was, he also developed an identity crisis. He kept hoping that he had a mummy and dead-y, but they never appeared. So he went to a psychiatrist to see if he had a screw loose.

One day he decided to take the five o-clock train. But the authorities made him give it back. Actually, the townspeople came to love Frankenstein’s monster; to a man they carried a torch for him.

Ultimately, the government re-monster-ated Doctor Frankenstein and sued for custody of his amazing creation. Since both parties demanded sole custody in the Frankenstein law-suit, the judge called for a sword-of-Solomon socket wrench and ruled an equitable split: The government was granted permission to raise the creature’s grotesque body, while Victor reared its ugly head.

Almost as central in our popular culture is the image of the werewolf. Did you know that werewolves love to eat sheep because they can dine and floss at the same time?

One day a fellow went to a clinic and complained, “Doctor, doctor! I feel like I’m a werewolf.” The doctor re-plied, “Have a seat and comb your face.”

Wolfman lived in San Francisco. When he felt mischievous, he would moon at the bay. Afterwards, he moved to a larger community of werewolves – Howlywood – where he auditioned for bit parts.

His vulpine body caused him to soil his clothes frequently, so he had to visit the Laundromat almost every day. He became a washin’ werewolf. He also took up clay-spinning as a hobby and became a hairy potter.

One evening Wolfman came home from a long day at the office.

“How was work, dear?” his wife asked.

“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouted.

“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home-cooked meal?” she asked nicely.

“I’m not hungry!” he snarled. “I don’t wanna eat! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh!”

Then Wolfman started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a titanic rage.

Looking out the window, his wife saw a full moon and said to herself, “Well, I guess it must be that time of the month.”

Also enshrined in the pantheon of famous monsters is the Invisible Man.

Don’t bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He won t show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they’re all transparent. You can see right through them.

Invisible’s mother and father were also invisible. They were trans-parents. When he was a teenager, he seldom hung out with his friends. There was simply too much disappear pressure. Whenever he tried to make a point with his friends, they just said, “I don’t see where you’re coming from.”

Recently, a number of movies featuring the Mummy have drawn enormous audiences who watch the action in Horrorscope. The Mummy’s mummy was also an entertainer – a famous gauza stripper.

Off the silver screen the Mummy isn’t very popular with the other monsters. They think he’s egotistical because he’s all wrapped up in himself. Being interested in band ages, he loves music, his favorite style being wrap.

He would love to take a vacation at the Dead Sea, but he’s afraid that he’ll relax and unwind too much. More-over, he’s got to get his pyramid exter-minated because it’s infested with cryptics.

As the sign in the Egyptian funeral home says: “Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!”

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