Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Guide to Tashlich

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Gatling Puns, Rated G

This useful guide was posted on the groaners listserv.


On Rosh Hashana, there is a ceremony called Tashlich.

Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or a river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs into the water, so the fish can symbolically eat their sins.

Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs they should throw:

For ordinary sins: White bread
For exotic sins: French bread
For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel
For complex sins: Multi-grain
For twisted sins: Pretzel
For tasteless sins: Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision: Waffles
For sins committed in haste: Matzoh
For sins of chutzpa: Fresh bread
For substance abuse/marijuana: Stoned wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs: Poppy Seed
For committing auto theft: Caraway
For petty larceny: Stollen
For committing arson: Toast
For timidity: Milk Toast
For being ill tempered/sulky: Sourdough
For silliness: Nut bread
For not giving full value: Shortbread
For risking one’s life unnecessarily: Hero
For excessive use of irony: Rye bread
For telling bad jokes: Corn bread
For being money hungry: Enriched bread or raw dough
For war-mongering: Kaiser rolls
For immodest dressing: Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others: Tortes
For promiscuity: Hot buns
For promiscuity with gentiles: Hot Cross buns
For racism: Crackers
For sophisticated racism: Ritz crackers
For davenning (praying) off tune: Flat bread
For being holier than thou: Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another: Challah
For indecent photography: Cheesecake
For trashing the environment: Dumplings
For sins of laziness: Any very long loaf
For being hyper-critical: Pancakes
For over-eating: Stuffing
For gambling: Fortune Cookies
For abrasiveness: Grits
For sins of pride: Puff Pastry
For cheating: Baked goods with NutraSweet and Olestra
For being snappish: Ginger bread
For impetuosity: Quick bread
For incompetent child rearing: Raisin bread
For negligent slip ups: Banana bread
For dropping in without warning: Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight: Angel cake
For being up-tight and irritable: High Fiber
For sycophancy: Brownies

Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone.

Leave a Reply