Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Going Nuts

Category: Rated G

Another synaptic spark from Chris Cole


Ol’ Jedediah was out hunting for the daily take of rabbits and squirrels required to feed his growing family. As he rounded a stand of trees, high up on one large limb sat the largest squirrel he’d ever seen. It must have weighed over 100 pounds! Taking careful aim with his trusty (and rusty!) musket, Jeb let loose a blast and felled that monster squirrel with one shot.

This did not go unnoticed by the rest of the forest denizens. Critters large and small gathered to watch Jeb truss up his catch and drag it back to his cabin. There was much rejoicing as the family greeted Jeb with his huge trophy. They decided to have an outdoor feast and a couple of the children dragged out the large steel washtub and put in over a newly-built fire. Jeb’s wife slopped a bunch of oil in the makeshift frying pan and in went the monster.

Alas, try though they might, the darned thing just would not cook at all, no matter how hot they made the fire underneath. While they were stoking the fire even hotter, they became aware of a bunch of snickering coming from the trees close to the cabin. Up on one branch was a veritable chorus line of little squirrels, just laughing and dancing around. Jeb got kind of mad and asked what was so funny. They told him he’d never succeed in preparing his 100 pound squirrel the way he was trying to do. When he asked why, with one voice the squirrels all chimed in, singing in perfect harmony,

Bi-ig squirrels, do-on’t fry-y-y!

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